


Don't be afraid

by Azzy_Darling



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Zombies, Hurt No Comfort, I am not sorry, M/M, No happy end, Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-02-10 07:36:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2016522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The guy bit his lip, “Suppose I can take you back to the others, and he could stay there while we go out. Can't really promise more than that – Sorry.”</p><p>“Sure.” James nodded, “Come on Kaidan, it's time for you to take a time out.” He hooked an arm under Kaidan's supporting his weight. “He's not sick.” He said to the guy, “He's just tired.”</p><p>“Aren't we all?” The guy said, grabbing the other side of Kaidan. “I'm John, what're your names?”</p><p>“I'm James, and my brother is Kaidan.” James said, we came from the survivor group up at the military outpost, they moved on to the city, and we came back here to look for some friends, and rally more survivors.”</p><p>“Oh yeah, we met Kasumi and Cortez.” John said with a friendly smile.</p><p>“Cortez died yesterday.”</p><p>“I'm sorry. He was cool. I liked him.” John said.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is my entry to the Mass effect flash Big Bang 2014, not that I managed to write a short fic. I'd like to thank Asylum Farm (EJ) for the beta work, I would be lost with out you! Robotkumo for lending me an ear and her zombie expertice. And thank you Maxxiedemon for putting up with my raving and ranting, and your feedback, it meant a lot. And lastly but not least thank you Georgia le Flay for the gorgeous art, it has been a pleasure to get to know you, and I love the illustrations you made. Who knows? Maybe we get the opertunity to work together again. 
> 
> There is a soundtrack [@8tracks](http://8tracks.com/darlingazzy/don-t-be-afraid-fanfic-soundtrack)
> 
> You can find Georgias art [here. ](http://georgialeflayart.tumblr.com/post/92809286564/so-heres-my-pictures-doodles-pieces-of-shit-for)
> 
>  

“ _You - you alone will have the stars as no one else has them...In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night...You - only you - will have stars that can laugh.”_

― _Antoine de Saint-Exupéry_

 

* * *

 

The sirens sounded like a constant high pitched screaming, and John wished someone would just shut them the fuck off, he couldn't think with this damn noise. "Somebody! Shut that off!" He yelled. Two soldiers hurried from the room, and moments later the deafening sound stopped. "Finally." John sighed in relief, hearing only the panicked yelling of people and feet running,

“Commander Shepard, Sir!” A young soldier named Anne Gibson yelled, her face white as she gasped for air so hard she had to push out the words between gulps of air.

“Slow down, Gibson.” Shepard said, his eyes trained on the large window to the hall, watching the scientists run back and forth like imbecile chickens, while waiting for Anne to talk.

“Lab 3.” She panted, “The fire is in lab 3”

Shepard felt his stomach churn, but kept his poker face on as he trained his eyes on the soldier in front of him. “Are you sure?” He asked with a steady voice.

“Positive, Sir.” Anne said, finally able to breathe almost normally.

“You get those damn eggheads out of here, and I don't care if you have to carry them.” Shepard said sharply as he set off running towards lab 3.

By the time he got there, the fire was under control, and he hovered over the scientists until they could tell him that none of the level 4 pathogens were damaged in any way. He walked away from there and felt pretty good, it had just been a fire in a secondary unit to lab 3, where they stored their equipment, so Bunsen burners and bio-suits could be requested again. And he already knew who he was gonna push all the paperwork on.

“Sir?” One of the soldiers saluted him, looking slightly nervous. “Uhm, one of the scientists from lab 2 says that his assistant didn't return.”

“Come again?”

“One of the assistants of lab 2 didn't come back after the evacuation of the units. Sir!” The Soldier looked down at his boots, trying to not see the displeased expression of the commanding officer. “It's Honnecker's assistant, Sir.”

“Fuck.” Shepard sighed, he had been thinking of a quiet evening with internet porn and maybe a beer. This would severely damage his chances of downtime, if he had to chase after some fucking moron who wandered off. “Take me to him.” Shepard said, setting a fast pace towards lab 2. The doors swooshed open with a soft airy sound, and Shepard stepped inside lab 2, he hated the smell of recycled air, but these units were kept strictly self-contained. After all, if what was in here got out there, the consequences would be disastrous. Personally Shepard thought it was all kinds of bullshit that something like this was even necessary, it was some asshole politician who had gotten spooked, and had demanded that they have bioweapons of their own. And so Project Protean was born. “Doctor Honnecker!” Shepard said, approaching the elderly man in a white lab coat that made his red glasses look like something out of a cartoon. “I hear your assistant went missing.”

“He didn't return from the evacuation,” Honnecker said, clearly distraught, searching through papers and data on his desk.

“You think he took something with him?” Shepard asked, wondering if Honnecker's peculiar behavior was related.

“I don't know.” Honnecker said.

“Think he might have been a spy?” Shepard asked.

“I don't know.” Honnecker said.

“Alright, so where do you think he might have gone off to?” Shepard asked, this time a little more intimidating.

“I don't fucking know!” Honnecker sneered, “Look Commander, all I know is that he didn't return, and it's imperative that you find him. Do your goddamn job, and I will do mine.”

Shepard rose a brow, unimpressed. “Do I look like people-finder-dot-com to you?”

“God damn it! Just find him!” Honnecker almost yelled.

“A little politeness goes a long way, doctor.” Shepard sneered, and then turned his back to the doctor, ignoring his answer. He pulled the walkie from his belt and called, “All units! Commander Shepard here, we have a man missing. One of the egghead’s assistants so one with his own teeth and hip.”

“His name is Niels,” Honnecker groused in the background, “and he is 27.”

“Right'o” Shepard shook his head annoyed, “All units, the assistant is 27 and his name is Niels. So Unit one, Toby! You take your unit to the east and look by the dam and the water supply, Unit two, Maria! You take your unit down by the gates and the nearby area and look there. Remember to check if there is a car missing.” He rubbed his temples as he walked outside again, and filled his lungs with fresh air. “Unit three, Nelson! You look through all the labs. And unit four you're with me, we're going west to check the fence. Rally by lab 2 entrance, on the double. And everyone else, unit, five, six and seven you make sure those damn geeks stay in place now. Shepard out.” He sighed, and pushed the speaker button again. “Control, this is Commander Shepard, We have a young man missing, a lab assistant named Niels, would you make some enquiries in town? See if he might have gone somewhere?”

“Control to Shepard. I'm on it.”

“Roger. Thanks Control.” Shepard pushed the walkie talkie back into its pocket, and waited for unit 4 to arrive. They walked in grave silence towards the west side of the compound, the tall chain-link fence that kept nosy locals away, and usually held all the nerds in. They looked up and down the fence but didn't find a breach, and there was no way he could have jumped that barbed wire. The other units called in one after one, and reported that they came up empty as well. Niels, the asshole was officially on Shepard’s shit-list.

The brass came down pretty hard on Shepard, and he had to stand there while a bunch of video calls on monitors yelled at him for his incompetence, herding geeks. He took it like a man, but knew they were right, and there would probably be some sort of sanction, maybe in his service records, he didn't know. The theory that the brass had settled on was that Niels Abrahamsen had been some sort of industrial spy, even if their security and background checks were pretty damn tight, he somehow managed to fake his way through. In his mind Shepard wondered if Niels maybe just had had enough of Honnecker’s shit, much like he was pretty done with old mummified generals and skittish politicians.

Later when they finally found Niels, all thoughts of what the brass would say were gone, and he almost wished the man had been a spy. Shepard stood there and stared at the half decomposed body in the water supply, Honnecker said something to him, but he didn't listen. “Shepard!” Honnecker yelled at him, his voice high pitched and frightened. “Are you listening?”

Shepard nodded politely at Honnecker.

“He was infected with the goddamn Proteus strain!” Honnecker screamed.

“Doctor!” Someone called from the water edge, “The water tested positive.”

Shepard blinked, trying to make sense of the information he was getting. “He was infected with your goddamn bioweapon? How the hell did that happen?” Honnecker didn't answer, he just stood there mumbling, looking at the huge water reserve. Shepard grabbed the doctor by his shoulders and shook him violently, “How the fuck did he get infected? That thing is under strict level 5 security clearance, and I'm sure it didn't jump from the petri dish and bite him... Explain!”

“I infected him.” Honnecker gasped as Shepard shook him.

“You fucking infected him? Are you mad?” Shepard yelled.

“I wanted to test the antivirus, and the shareholders had said that... I had to...”

“Shut up!” Shepard yelled angrily, spit flying, sticking to Honnecker’s tacky glasses. “Shut up, shut up!” He tossed Honnecker on the ground like a ragdoll. “I should fucking shoot you right here!” Shepard went for his gun, watching as Honnecker tried to crawl away on the ground. One of the soldiers grabbed Shepard's arm. “Don't.” Gibson said “Sir.”

“Give me one good reason marine. And then fucking unhand me, and that is an order.” Shepard snarled.

“Maybe he can fix it, maybe he knows how to -” Gibson didn't get further before Shepard pulled his arm back, but holstered the gun. He pointed at Honnecker at the ground. “You fucking fix this, it's your mess.” he growled and then stomped away, dreading the report he had to go make to his superiors.

It didn't take long before Honnecker himself and some of the other scientists fell ill, it spread like wildfire until there were more people in quarantine than ones working on a cure, or guarding the quarantine area. Anne Gibson was the first to succumb and reanimate, the few soldiers left tried to control it for a little while, but before long they too had almost all left.

Just a week later Shepard was standing at the edge of the quarantine area, which was more like a slaughterhouse now. He wondered if he should call Tyler or maybe Selma just to check up on them... just to make sure that... But he already knew that if they picked up, if they even still were alive, he wouldn't know what to say to either of them, so he abandoned that thought. Because 'Hi honey, the world ended on my watch, and I'm sorry about being a confused, immature dickhead back then.' just didn't really sit that well.

A young soldier stood beside him, shifting his feet nervously. “Sir?” He asked the silent Commander. Shepard just nodded for him to continue. “Are we being evac'ed?”

“I hope so.” Shepard said, he turned and looked at the solder beside him. “But I wouldn't count on it. He eyed the nametag on the solders uniform. “Santos.”

“What did the command say, sir?”

“They said nuke the damn place.” Shepard shrugged, “But it's already too late, it got out into the town, and it probably spread from there too. It's the end of the line, kid.” He smiled bitterly at the young man, “There is a satellite unit not too far from here, I think they might still be okay. If I were you, I'd see if I could make it there.”

“I could maybe...”

“How many are left, kid? What's your estimate?” Shepard asked.

“Around fifteen. And nine of them are soldiers.” Santos said.

Shepard nodded, “You take them two clicks south, there is an old school, it says Rose-something on the front. The satellite unit should be holed up there.”

“What if they aren't? And what about you? Sir?” Santos asked, his nervous shuffling was back with force.

“Then you run for the hills kiddo.” Shepard said, placing a friendly hand on Santos' shoulder. And me? I have something I have to do, alone. 


	2. Ring-a-round the Rosie

”Come on Kaidan” Miranda turned to look at Kaidan, who stood and dug the toe of his boot into the ground, clearly hesitant.

”Come on man.” Jack laughed a little at the absurd hold up. ”They're gonna be on top of us if we don't move.”

”I know.” Kaidan sighed, and looked up into the sky, painted orange by the setting sun. ”I'm... I'm staying.” He smiled feeling a little embarrassed. ”You can have my backpack Jack; there's ammo and some cold meds in there.”

”What?” Jack stared at Kaidan in disbelief. 

”There's just something that I gotta do, okay?” Kaidan shrugged, holding out his backpack to Jack, ”You want it or not?”

”Are you sure?” Jack looked Kaidan straight in his eyes.

”Yeah.” Kaidan said with a short nod.

”What the hell dude?” James stared at his brother in disbelief, ”What the hell would you do that for?”

”I'm gonna be fine, man.” Kaidan said with a shrug, ”Look I know there are more survivors out there, and it doesn't feel right leaving them behind.”

”Since when did you turn into the good Samaritan?” Jack asked annoyed.

”Since now!” Kaidan argued, tossing his backpack at her feet, ”Since Cortez died defending me, and we left him there like trash. That's when. I won't let that be for nothing. I'd rather die trying to save some of the people here, rather than die of starvation cowering somewhere in the city.”

”He's got a point,” James mumbled with a shrug.

”Like hell he does!” Jack sneered.

”Hey, Kaidan?” Miranda said softly. ”Would you do me a favor?”

”Sure.” Kaidan said softly, he couldn't bring himself to yell at Miranda. ”What is it, cupcake?”

”Jacob, he is back there too, would you find him and bury him too?” She asked, ”I know it's silly, but I’d feel better. Maybe say a few words and something.”

”Of course.” Kaidan said, ”I promise.”

”Thank you.” Miranda said, and turned to look at the burning city. ”Shall we?”

”Hey Miranda?” James called, ”Stay on the same frequency, ‘cause then we can find you okay?”

”What? You too?” Jack asked, shaking his head.

”Someone has to stay here and look after Major cluster-fuck.” James said tossing his backpack at Jack.

”So we're down to four people?” Jack huffed angrily.

”Looks like it.” James said, ”But I saw Kasumi take out that huge fuck, so I think you're good.” He smiled at Kasumi who stood silently to the side, clearly just waiting to get the hell out of this valley.

”Fuck that.” Jack huffed angrily.

Miranda walked over to hug Kaidan and James. She stepped back and smiled, ”See you later, alligator.”

”After a while, crocodile.” James said and turned around to follow his brother back down into the abandoned military base.

Once out of sight, James smacked Kaidan over the head, ”What the fuck man?”

”Oy!” Kaidan rubbed the back of his head where James had hit him. ”What the hell was that for?”

”Channeling Mama.” James stated matter of factly, ”Okay so tell me why we are on our way back to where it's totally overrun with fucking zombies.”

”To bury Cortez.” Kaidan said looking up at his brother with an honest expression.

James groaned.

”Look no one twisted your arm and forced you to come, so quit your bitching.” Kaidan huffed, feeling annoyed, ”I’m sure you can still catch up with the others.”

”And what? Miss out on a fucking suicide mission with my big brother?” James chuckled.

Kaidan shook his head, ”See that blue house over there? I saw some stuff. I figured that we could make some Molotovs.”

”I hear one of those rotten fuckers.” James scanned the area while he slowly moved forward.

”Shhh.” Kaidan ducked down behind the wall, pulling James with him. ”Keep down, you fucking idiot.”

”Right.” James zipped his lips with his fingers, and silently followed his brother.

-*-

They were in luck, not only did they find what they needed to make about five Molotovs, but apparently the kids that used to live here had a down right unhealthy relationship with firecrackers. It always made Kaidan sad to see children’s bunk beds, and toys left behind. He could tell the same thoughts were running through James's head, hoping they made it out, but knowing that they probably didn't.

”So what is your great plan?” James asked casually, peeking out of the kitchen window, ”The sun is coming up in about an hour.”

”Then we wait for that.” Kaidan said, ”At least we can see the fuckers.” He attempted to laugh but it came out as a dry cough.

James was instantly alarmed, ”You okay?”

”Yeah just the sniffles.” He smiled weakly, ”Have you checked if there's any food out there?”

”No.” James turned from the window and started to go through the cabinets as silently as he could. ”Dude they have pop tarts.” He smiled at his brother, ”Remember that Mama used to buy those for us when she wanted to sleep late?”

”Yeah.” Kaidan nodded with a sad smile. ”I miss her man.”

”Me too.” James said, sitting down next to Kaidan in the darkness, leaning against the wall, listening to the wind and the zombies moan outside. ”She would have been proud of you, you know.”

”Bullshit.” Kaidan coughed weakly, and smiled.

”Hey at least you didn't turn out to be a fat slacker, mooching off Mama and selling pot on the stairs.” James said softly, holding out a bottle with a little booze in the bottom, ”Want a drink?”

”Yeah.” Kaidan said, taking the bottle. He took a healthy drink of it, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. ”Look, James, you're right and this could very well be a suicide mission, there's something...” He turned his head and looked at his younger brother in the dark, ”I know we never talk, and we were never close. Funny how it takes a fucking zombie apocalypse for us to realize we're family, huh?”

”Yeah,” James croaked.

”So... ” Kaidan looked up at the ceiling, seeing the darkness lift a little as the sun attempted to rise outside. ”Cortez was a really good friend, and -”

”Yeah, he was good man,” James whispered, taking another swipe of the bottle, ”No scratch that; He was a goddamn hero.”

”And he was a really good listener.” Kaidan said, ”He even persuaded me to stay when I wanted to leave, I never told anyone, not even you. I bet you never even noticed that I was miserable and wanted to just go – try my luck elsewhere, far away from you and the others.” He heard James suck in his breath, he was right – his brother had not noticed at all. ”Cortez noticed, he took me on a mission where we had to camp out ‘cause it was too far from the camp. And don't ask me how he got me to talk, but he did. And well, I came back.” He shoulder bumped his brother, ”For you, you asshole.”

”I didn't know,” James whispered, ”Why didn't you say something? I would have gone with you. I am your brother, Kaidan. I love you man – I... you should have said something man.”

”Well I didn't,” Kaidan whispered back, ”Cause you would have laughed and told me to man up.”

”Probably,” James admitted hesitantly. After a moment of silence he handed the bottle to Kaidan, ”So is that what this about, you proving that you're not a pussy? Stepping out of my shadow or whatever shit is running around in that noggin of yours.”

”No.” Kaidan sighed, ”This is exactly why I never tell you anything, you always just belittle me or make fun of it.”

”Okay, try me - I promise not to laugh,” James said wrapping an arm around Kaidan, pulling him closer to his side. ”Why are we really here?”

”Well...” Kaidan sighed, ”I don't know how to tell you.” He paused, ”I don't need your shit right now.”

”Hey shrimp, I already promised that I wouldn't give you any grief.” James squeezed Kaidan's shoulder to prove his point.

Kaidan took a deep breath, and steeled himself. ”I can't really pinpoint when it happened, suddenly it was just there, maybe it was the way he smiled or maybe because he always remembered to bring me coffee when I had a long exhausting run. I know he was just being nice, community spirit. I tried to not think about it, and for the most part I was able to push it to the back of my mind.” He took a sip of the bottle and handed it back to James, ”He was heartbroken when he heard about Robert's death, he might have seemed okay to most people, but I noticed. He would take on the hardest supply runs, and often do them alone. It was like the light was just snuffed in his eyes. He stopped bringing me coffee.”

”Cortez?” James whispered, ”We're here ‘cause you had the hots for a dude? Seriously Kaidan.”

”Forget it!” Kaidan said pushing James away, ”I don't know why I even tried to tell you.”

”Alright, alright.” James held up his hands to stop his brother from raising his voice and alerting the zombies. “Cut me some slack, it's just a lot to take in.”

“Fuck you, man.” Kaidan got up and walked over to the other end of the living room, looking out through the makeshift barricade, the sky was getting brighter and they'd have to get moving soon.

James sat in silence and watched his brother in the dim morning light, thinking of all the times he had cracked a gay joke, or called someone a homo. And here his brother was trying to tell him that he was just that, his own brother! The last person on earth he had thought would be 'like that'. But it wasn't like he could see any difference with his newfound knowledge, Kaidan looked like he had this morning when he didn't know. And he was still his big brother, and he was not like Emanuel who had kicked his sister out for being gay. She had later turned up dead by the side of some highway like goddamn road kill, James was sure that Emanuel was not as cold hearted as he came off, cause he acted like he didn't care, but James was sure he had regretted it. And he was not Emanuel! It was weird, sure, but when it all came down to it, he didn't really care who Kaidan liked 'like that'. “I'm sorry.” He said as he stood up and walked over to Kaidan, wrapping his arms around his brother from behind. “You're my brother, and no matter if I sometimes say stupid shit, nothing changes that.”

Kaidan smiled to himself. “Likewise.” He said, “We should move.”

“You didn't finish your story.” James said.

“It's not really important.” Kaidan said, sidestepping from the window. “Are you all packed and ready?”

“Born ready.” James said, picking up the newfound backpack, and sighed, “Let's go.”

-*-

They snuck around corners and crawled under and over fences until they arrived at the abandoned makeshift military base where their group had been living until recently. “Throw the firecrackers.” Kaidan whispered, “We have to get through all those assholes to get behind the fence.”

“Seems like most of them are gone through, I thought there'd be a lot more.” James whispered back, studying Kaidan as he coughed. But he threw the firecrackers, watching the zombies stumble towards it.

Kaidan lit the Molotov as a crowd of zombie gathered, and threw it, setting the group aflame. “Go!” He whispered with urgency, and they sprinted past the flailing zombies, towards the fence to the compound. Kaidan jumped the fence, followed by James. To their surprise the compound seemed free of zombies. “Alright, so Cortez should be somewhere around here.” he said, “Wanna look for him or dig a hole?”

“Reporting for dig duty.” James saluted his brother, “I'm gonna go find a shovel.” He said, “What do you say we bury him in the garden? It's easiest to dig there, plus maybe stuff will grow.” He shrugged, “Maybe he'll become a pumpkin?”

Kaidan shook his head, “Sure man, whatever.” I'll meet you back at the garden.” And then he went toward the east entry of the compound where he recalled Cortez being torn apart. He'd rather not think about it, but he had a hard time to forgetting Cortez' pained scream as he was pulled apart. He wondered if he had given up by then, or if Cortez was so much of a survivor that he thought he'd get out of that situation too. Kaidan clutched his bat and turned the corner and crept out the torn gate, and sure enough, there was Cortez' torso, he quickly swept the area but didn't recognize any of the stuff left around as Cortez lower half. This was as good as he was going to get. He pulled Cortez' torn arm, dragging the torso after him back to the base, hoping that he didn't make enough noise that the zeds would hear him. He tried to block out that Cortez' face was half eaten, and that his right arm was missing. He wanted to honor him, but he wasn't a miracle worker.

James wiped his forehead, and leaned on the shovel, watching Kaidan slowly coming towards him, dragging something he could only guess was some of Cortez.

Kaidan didn't look at James as he pushed Cortez' mangled torso down into the hole in the garden. “Alright, that has to do.”

“You found more than I had expected.” James just said, ignoring his brothers mortified glare, and started to shovel the dirt back on top of Cortez. “So you gonna say some words?”

“Now?”

“Yeah, it's not like we have a lot of time.” James said, “We need to look the place over for some food and meds, and maybe see if someone left a gun behind.”

“Okay... uhm...” Kaidan cleared his throat. “Thank you for saving my brother and me when we needed it, and thank you for being a friend, You paid the ultimate price trying to keep us all safe, and I am going to do my damndest to live up to your example.” He looked over at James, “Is there any more to be said?”

“Ehm...” James bit his lip, “Hope you found peace, Amen.”

“Great.” Kaidan nodded, picking up the rope and the piece of a broken four by four that was lying by the garden, handing them to James and watched him make a makeshift cross with the shovel and the piece of wood. “Seems such a shame we never really got to eat any of the produce here, huh?”

“Yea.” James nodded, “Come on, let's see if they left anything behind.”

-*-

They found some methadone, a can of beans, and a knife, but other than that the place was pretty much picked clean. So they decided to move toward the edge of town where Jacob had met his end. “So.” James said, “Are you gonna tell me the rest of the story now?”

Kaidan looked at his brother like he had grown a third head, “Why?”

“Because I wanna know why you wanted to leave.” James said, careful not to add what he was thinking, that he felt slightly hurt that his brother hadn't felt like he could confide in him, but chose to go to a stranger. But James sort of knew why, but still it kind of hurt.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Well because I felt out of place, and because I knew that Cortez would never even look at me twice.” Kaidan shrugged as were it nothing, even if he knew it wasn't.

“He must have had his head screwed on wrong, if he didn't notice you.” James said in all honesty, while scouting nervously for hostiles in the area.

“Yeah well, I never got to know him really, he wasn't the most approachable guy. I am not even sure he knew my fucking name.” Kaidan chuckled, “I mean this one time, when I brought him back comics, when he was sick, he called me Casper.” He laughed a little embarrassed.

“Shh!” James grabbed Kaidan's shoulder. “Was that a gunshot?”

Kaidan stopped and listened, and there it was again, most definitely a gunshot. They instinctively moved closer, until they heard someone yell 'fuck' and then another gunshot, followed by a frustrated wail. “I think he's in trouble.” Kaidan whispered.

“Double time.” James grabbed Kaidan's arm and dragged him towards the general area where they thought the gunshots had originated. The stopped in the bushes and saw a guy standing on top of a car, trying his hardest to keep the zombies down, he had a pipe in his hands, but his movements was sluggish and weak.

“They're gonna get him soon if -” Kaidan was cut off by firecrackers which James had thrown in the other direction of them and the car. About twenty zeds seemed to take the bait.

James watched as the Molotov cut through the air in a perfect arch, hitting the lured zombies straight on. Lighting the creatures on fire. He got up and pulled Kaidan with him, to help the guy on the car get rid of the last of the zombies that still smelled an easy meal.

The last zombie's head exploded like a ripe melon, splattering its content all over Kaidan. “Urgh.” he gagged, and then threw up as he got some of the matter on his lips, and even his best effort to wipe it off, just smeared it more.

The guy slid down from the car clutching his side, short of breath. “Thank you, man.” He panted.

“You're welcome.” James said, watching Kaidan as he clung to a lamppost, trying to throw up on an empty stomach.

“Is your buddy gonna be okay?” The guy asked.

“Yeah, my brother is just a little sensitive.” James smiled. “What are you doing out here on your own?”

“I was trying to get to some ammo. Up at the abandoned military outpost.” The guy said. “Guess that was a lame idea.”

“Yeah.” James said, “Look I know where there is some ammo, but I think my brother needs to rest.”

The guy bit his lip, “Suppose I can take you back to the others, and he could stay there while we go out. Can't really promise more than that – Sorry.”

“Sure.” James nodded, “Come on Kaidan, it's time for you to take a time out.” He hooked an arm under Kaidan's supporting his weight. “He's not sick.” He said to the guy, “He's just tired.”

“Aren't we all?” The guy said, grabbing the other side of Kaidan. “I'm John, what're your names?”

“I'm James, and my brother is Kaidan.” James said, we came from the survivor group up at the military outpost, they moved on to the city, and we came back here to look for some friends, and rally more survivors.”

“Oh yeah, we met Kasumi and Cortez.” John said with a friendly smile.

“Cortez died yesterday.”

“I'm sorry. He was cool. I liked him.” John said.

“I'm getting to the point where I’d be more surprised if someone hated him.” James said with a grin.

“Those firecrackers were pretty neat.” John said, “Never thought of that.”

“Zeds are dumb as shit, you can use just about anything, alarm clocks, kitchen timers, car alarms... you name it, if it makes a loud noise, those fuckers are gonna flock to it.” James said, feeling slightly proud that he was able to teach someone something. Who would have thought?

-*-

“Guys?” John said as they entered the dark house.

A black-haired woman looked up and frowned, “We don't have room for more people, and that one looks sick.”

“They saved my life, Ashley.” John said, “Besides he's not sick, just worn out.”

“Don't be a bitch.” Someone said from the far end, “Hey, thanks for saving him,” a tall, blond man came out into the dim light that flowed through the windows, “I'm Bailey, and that friendly lady is Ashley. Mouse is out on a run, but he'll be back soon.”

“Thanks.” James said.

“This is James and Kaidan. They are brothers, and they stayed behind from the settlement up at the military outpost.” John said.

“They left?” Ashley asked, mortified.

“Yep.” James said, “It was getting too dangerous, and we found a way to blast through the concrete roadblock and get into the city. We stayed behind to rally up more survivors.” 

“I see,” Bailey said. “Well, put him over there, and I guess it will sort itself out.”

“Thanks.” James said again, and guided Kaidan over to a bed in the back.

“He's hot.” John whispered.

“What?” James asked with a dumbstruck expression, gently lowering Kaidan down into the bed.

“Dude... I mean, feel him. He's burning up.” John said rolling his eyes.

James put a hand on Kaidan's forehead. “Shit, you're right.” James hung his head “You think they'd hurt him while we are out?”

“If they knew?” John asked, “I don't know.”

“I suppose he is good for now, huh? They think he's tired, and will let him sleep.” James said. There was an unspoken plea in his voice.

“Yeah.” John nodded, “But as soon as we're back, you gotta deal with it, or leave. Okay? I can't keep this a secret for long.”

“Deal.” James said, kissing his brother on his clammy forehead. “I'll be back soon.”

-*-

“You brought the black fever here.” Bailey bellowed as James and John returned.

“You don't know that.” James argued back.

“Is that a fact?” Ashley yelled behind Bailey, “He was coughing like he was gonna choke, and Mouse went in there to give him a drink, and found him comatose with fever.”

“What did you do to him?” James growled tossing the ammo bag at Bailey. “What the fuck did you do to my brother?”

“Nothing.” Mouse said from the corner, “He is out in the tool shed. I made sure he was comfortable. Gave him the bed sheets, don't think anyone wanna take the chance of sleeping in those.”

James let out a breath he didn't even know he had been holding. And instead of saying anything he just marched out the house and straight to the garden shed. “Kaidan,” He whispered as he opened the door, seeing his brother laying there, just as Mouse had said. He crouched down and checked his brother, the fever was strong as ever. He wondered if it was the zombie spatter he had gotten in his mouth, but if he was being realistic, he knew that Kaidan had been coughing long before this. Maybe they were right, maybe Kaidan really was sick? And maybe that story about getting more survivors and doing what Cortez had done, was a load of bull just to hide the fact that he knew he was dying, and couldn't go with them to the city?

“I have some food for you.” Mouse said from the door. “John said you earned this.”

“Thanks.” James took the tin, and downed the stale minestrone soup in one go. His stomach felt like it was grinding stones, and he wondered how long it had been since he had last eaten.

“I don't think anyone minds if you both stay out here till the morning.” Mouse said, and then slipped from the door, closing it softly as he left.

James was too tired to care, if Kaidan died and tried to kill him in the middle of the night, so be it. He was too worn out to care. He curled up against his brother and wrapped an arm around him. “Don't die, man.” He whispered like a little prayer, before he fell asleep.

James was woken by a commotion and gunshots, he instantly sat up and looked to his left, but Kaidan was still sleeping, and he seemed to be breathing more normally, not in the desperate short huffs like he was before. He got up and ran out the door, holy shit there was a lot of those undead fucks. He heard someone scream desperately for help, and instinctively sprinted for the sound, he turned the corner of the house only to find he was seconds too late, Mouse was torn to pieces by a writhing mass of zombies. James just set on killing them while they were busy with eating, tearing into Mouse. That poor kid, he couldn't have been more than twenty.

When James finally had a moment to rest, he hunched over taking in deep gulps of air, trying to catch his breath, ignoring the burning from his sore muscles, and the scratches and bites. This had been a seriously close call. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and to his surprise it was Ashley. She had brain matter in her hair, and in a crazy moment James thought to himself that he had never seen anyone prettier than her.

“You okay?” She grinned, trying to catch her breath as well.

“Yeah.” James said, “Sorry about that kid, Mouse, I was too late.” He made a weak gesture over to where the remains of Mouse was scattered about.

“Fuck.” Ashley wiped her matted hair from her face, getting the gore on her hand, “Oh, gross.” She wiped her hand off in her pants.

Much to his own surprise James couldn't help but laugh a little.

“What?” Ashley asked, but couldn't help but to grin in return. “You're fucking out of your mind, man.” She reached up and smeared the remains on her hand on James's chest.

“Are - you guys okay?” John asked, short of breath, as he came jogging up.

“Yeah. But we lost Mouse.” Ashley sighed. “We should just have moved from here when we first started to see so many hordes about, it's impossible to defend this place.”

“I...” John ran a hand through his hair, “I don't think Bailey is gonna make it.”

“What?” Ashley groaned. “You have to be shitting me.”

“Sadly not.” John shrugged. “Come on.”

James and Ashley followed John over to where Bailey had fallen. He was awfully still, and James crouched down and searched for a pulse. He shook his head, “No, he's gone.”

“Fuck!” Ashley kicked the ruined picket fence that surrounded the house they had been squatting in for at least a week. “This is just so fucked up.”

“I believe the technical term is FUBAR.” John stated softly. “I used to date a marine.” He said walking away. “I'll get the gasoline.”

“You're gonna burn them?” James asked confused.

“Yep, and the house.” Ashley said, “That way it can't be used for a nest. Once it's empty. And it's just too hard to bury people.” She looked down at Bailey with a sad expression. “We used to bury people, but it just got too difficult, and it seems too brutal to leave them.”

James nodded, he understood that. They had been blessed with only a handful of deaths in their group, but apparently Ashley had been with a lot of different survivors who didn't make it. Maybe that was why she was so defensive.

“He was an accountant.” Ashley said with a little smile, “Before this, the most deadly weapon he had held was a stapler.”

“Staplers are pretty deadly in the hands of the wrong people,” James said. He gingerly wrapped an arm around Ashley's waist, and to his surprise she let him.

“Don't know what the kid used to do. College I suppose.” Ashley said.

“What about you?” James asked, “What did you do before the end of the world?”

“Me?” Ashley laughed softly and moved out of James's reach, “I was a cop, believe it or not.”

“Oh I believe it.” James said with a smile, not sure if she was taking the piss on him or not.

“Hey, a little help, please?” John called from the porch.

-*-

Twenty minutes later they had picked the house clean, and were standing out on the street, watching the house go up in flames, they had carried Bailey and what they could recover of Mouse inside, letting them burn with the wood, curtains and carpets.

“Jimmy?” Kaidan asked weakly, his legs buckling under him.

“I'm here. We're good.” James said, “John left to find a car, we're gonna go to that farm up by the orchard, we seriously need to regroup.”

“Okay.” Kaidan slurred and closed his eyes again, “Am I gonna die?” He asked in a whisper.

“No man, it was just a regular flu.” James said, not sure he was right, but he was pretty sure that it was what Kaidan needed to hear.

John came back with a banged up truck, but it was the best they had, so they set out to find the farm behind the orchard. Maybe the number of zombies would not be so dense outside the city. They loaded up the stuff they salvaged from the house with Kaidan in the back of the truck, and James got up with him to make sure he wasn't bouncing about or was snatched off by zombies.


	3. A pocket full of posies

Kaidan didn't wake as James carried him to the new house. But as John opened the door, he stared straight down into the barrel of a gun. “Hey man!” John held up his hands, “Sorry man, we thought this place was empty.”

The guy in the house lowered the gun a little. “Well it's not. I live here.”

“Is it your house?” Ashley asked from the back.

“Ehm.. no not really... but we lived here for the last month,” the guy said, and took aim at them again with the gun, “So yeah it's my fucking house.”

“Oh yeah?” John said, “Where's the others then?”

“They'll be back any moment.” The guy said.

“Bullshit.” James chimed in.

“They left you, didn't they?” John asked softly.

“No...” The guy hesitated a little. “Yeah, yeah maybe they did.” He lowered the gun completely. “They packed up and left, only me and Samantha left.” He stepped away from the door, to let John and the group in.

“Who's Samantha?”

“She's uhm... mute.” The guy admitted, “But she is a wizard with electronics.”

“A mute egghead? Why not... nothing can surprise me anymore.” John said, “I'm John, and this is James, Kaidan and Ashley.”

“You look hurt.” The guy looked at Kaidan with worry, “And he looks sick.”

“Long story. I hope you’ve got coffee.” John said.

-*-

It felt good to feel relatively safe again, James leaned back against a sofa pillow and listened to the others talk, they talked about what they used to do, or people they used to know. Under any other circumstance a normal conversation, but now it just seemed sad and unhinged.

“So.” Ashley said, blissfully sipping the hot tea which was what they could scrounge up. “James, you never answered me. What were you before all this?”

James smiled knowingly, he was tempted to say something lame like, porn star. But he liked Ashley, so he scratched his days old beard, “Security guard - I was a bouncer.” He smiled at her. “Kaidan and I were up here for our grandmother’s funeral, staying at this motel, getting drunk having fun.” He looked over towards the door to where Kaidan slept, “We hadn't seen each other for about six years before that. Different towns, busy lives and all that.”

“What about you?” James nodded at John.

“Me... What do you think?” John grinned.

“Hmm... Poet.” Ashley said with a sneaky grin.

“No man. Cowboy.” James added from the other side of the table.

“Cartoonist? Blogger?” The guy who had met them in the door, named Joker, said.

John chuckled, “Nah... newspaper photographer.” He smiled, “You all lose.”

“This little shit town has a newspaper?” James said, “I always thought it would be some inbred redneck who would maim people - out of his trailer.”

John laughed loud, “Nah, I’m not from around here, I was camping, trying to sorta get my head and life together, you know.” He shrugged, “I came here for fresh air, and time to think, instead I was almost eaten alive – You just can never tell. But at least I solved my problem.”

“Joker?”

“Er... I was a taxi driver.” Joker said with an embarrassed smile, clearly thinking his profession was the most boring. “I moved down here with my wife when...” He paused, “We were expecting, and wanted to get out of the city – you know have a backyard where -”

The small crowd around the table all fell silent, pretty sure what it was Joker said between the lines, and not sure they wanted to hear it. “What about your brother?” John asked, trying to turn the talk in a different direction. “And why didn't you stay in touch?”

James squirmed a bit, uncomfortable when all eyes were on him. “Kaidan was a cook, and he was just busy I guess. We used to hang-out all the time when we were kids, but then I hit puberty, and I didn't want my geeky brother around. You don't get your clammy hands up under the girls’ sweaters, when your brother has the cool factor of a pair of plaid pants.” James shrugged, “I got into a bunch of shit, and left town, went elsewhere and started over. Kaidan stayed behind.”

“What are you gonna do if he doesn't get better?” Ashley asked cautiously.

“He will.” James stated, not sure if he was trying to persuade the others or himself. “But...” His voice fell to a near whisper, “I will deal with it.”

“I could, you know... if you want me to.” Ashley said, studying James for any form of weakness in his resolve.

“No.” James said, “I said I would deal with it, and nobody touches him.”

-*-

Four days later Kaidan woke up, feeling like he had the worst hangover ever, and in desperate need of a shower, he looked around in the room, he didn't recognize this place at all. It took a moment for him to realize that the end of humanity wasn't just a fever dream, but real. And James had probably found somewhere they could stay, he remembered something with a truck and fire, but not where or why. Slowly he got up and moved his aching joints. He shuffled out of the room, to see where he was, and to get a drink of water. But what met him was a metal bat. He didn't even see it coming, pain just erupted in the back of his head, and everything went black again.

“Come on man.” John was rubbing Kaidan's cheeks, clapping it to wake him. “Wake up.”

“Ow.” Kaidan muttered, raising an aching arm to touch the center of his headache. He felt a large bump under his fingers. “What the fuck man?” He mumbled.

“Sorry, shit... I'm really sorry. I thought you turned.” John said with a relieved laughter in his voice.

“Well isn't that great?” Kaidan smiled weakly,

“James is going to be so happy when he hears that you're okay.” John said, “Well the rest of us too, we were pretty worried about you.”

“Where are we? And what was your name again?” Kaidan felt an insane giggle rise from his chest, he didn't remember anything really since saving this fella from a large horde.

“We're far out on the countryside, think it used to be a working farm, with cows or something. And I'm John.” John looked worried and held up a hand with three fingers, “How many fingers do you see?”

“Dude.” Kaidan coughed weakly, “Alright... three.”

“You're gonna be fine, man.” John said with a wide grin.

“Where's James?”

“He's out with Ashley, they heard this distress call over the old ham radio, and figured that either they wanted to trade some stuff, and if they were dead there had to be some useful stuff there.” John said, “We can try and call his walkie if you want to.”

“Water.” Kaidan said pitifully, jolting John into action.

Two cups of water later, John took Kaidan into the ham radio. “Samantha fixed it, I think whoever tried to live here before us, ruined it for some reason.” He settled on a frequency, “Base to James, can you hear me?”

“James here.” Came the reply, weak and with lots of static, but it was there.

John turned the mic to Kaidan, “Say something.”

Kaidan cleared his throat, “Hey, asshole.”

“Kaidan?”

“Yeah.” Kaidan said, his smile widening, “When are you coming back?”

“Are you okay?”

“Well, John sorta -” Kaidan grinned as he saw John make rapid gestures across his own throat to make Kaidan shut up.

“John sorta what?” James said in the other end clearly agitated, “I swear I will kill that fucker if -”

“Chill, I was just joking.” Kaidan laughed, “So when are you gonna be back?”

“Yeah well, the people who made the distress call are dead, so we sorta uhm... stuck around, there is a car and we're loading it up with all their stuff.” James said sounding perfectly evasive, even with the static.

“I see.” Kaidan said with a knowing smile, “Have fun, we'll hold the fort.”

“Thanks man.” James said, giving his motives away, “And just holler if you need me right?” He paused, “Thanks for being alive and okay, geek.”

“You're welcome, see you when I see you.” Kaidan turned off the ham radio.

“I should’ve seen that coming.” John groaned.

“What? James being a fuckwit, it's sorta obvious.” Kaidan said running his fingers over the large radio.

“No I mean him and Ashley, they have been dancing about for long enough.” John said, leaning against the table with the ham radio, crossing his arms. “That is bad, man. Real bad.”

“Why?” Kaidan asked puzzled, and stopped meddling with the radio.

“Because lovers always get in trouble, either they break up the group because they fall out, or they both die doing something dumb, like sneaking off to an abandoned house for some alone time.” John said darkly, staring off into the setting sun outside the dirty windows.

“We had lovers in our group, and that was never a big issue.” Kaidan shrugged.

“Your group must have been less mental than the people I met then.” John said sourly. “I am telling you this ends bad.”

“If you say so.” Kaidan said with a tiny shrug.

“So your brother has been pretty evasive about why you guys are here, I was thinking that you might bring me up to date.” John asked,

“I turned around because I wanted to round up more survivors before going back to the big city.” Kaidan said, deciding to keep the part about his karma duty to Cortez and Jacob out.

“Okay.” John said, apparently happy with the story.

-*-

Kaidan couldn't sleep, he had met Samantha and Joker, they seemed like nice people, and John had given him the quick recap of what happened after he fainted. And now Kaidan was poking about in the kitchen in the low light, occupational hazard he supposed. He heard a gunshot and turned around looking at John out by the wall. He stood for a while just studying the man out there in the dark. Kaidan knew it was stupid to entertain fantasies like that, but he couldn't help himself. John was awfully fit, perfect smile and clear blue eyes, or maybe he liked his broody attitude and deep voice. Kaidan wasn't going to make the same mistake twice though, and he had already heard what John's opinion on romance was. Besides, guys like him were always straight – and... well, a little fantasy never hurt anyone.

“Hey,” He said softly as he walked out to the wall where John was on guard. “Figured you could use a cup of coffee.”

“You're a saint.” John lit up in a bright smile.

“Hardly.” Kaidan said,

John sipped the warm coffee and sighed happily. “Thoughtfulness is not the trait you meet the most around here.” He said looking directly at Kaidan.

Kaidan shrugged embarrassed, “Hey give me that.” He reached for the rifle. John didn't ask if he knew how to shoot it, because if he didn't he would probably not be alive now. Kaidan aimed at a zombie stalking about towards the wall, and its head exploded. “Boohyah! Bitch!” he cheered, making John laugh. “Hey see that fucker by the barn?”

“Yep.”

“Watch this.” Kaidan aimed again, “Here, kitty kitty.” He whispered with a grin. He fired and that zombie's head too exploded in a spray of red and chunks.

“You're pretty good with that.” John said, “Did you hunt in your spare time or something?”

“Yeah, no.” Kaidan said, “I had a boss who took his entire staff on hunting trips once a year, that was about it.”

“Sweet.”

“Not really,” Kaidan said with a sad smile, “He fired me for some bullshit claim, and really hurt my future, career wise I mean. When you’re a chef in training, and you want to be a real chef – Maybe even with your own restaurant or something one day. Then it looks really bad when this guy who works for places with Michelin stars, fires you for being a thief.”

“Wow.” John said, still sipping his coffee. “He just made that up or?”

“Yeah, said I was taking the tips from the waiters, and putting good cuts of meat to the side, selling them later. To support my habits.” Kaidan said looking out over the fields through the sniper scope, glad he didn't have to look at John. “And bogus or not, a claim like that sticks to you like an embarrassing nickname. So I had to give up on working in fine dining. And settle with working in diners. At least it was one step above flipping burgers. At least I got to make some different types of food.”

“That's harsh, man.” John muttered, “So – uhm, so do you know why he 'really' fired you? Did you just cross him or something?”

“I met him and his wife at a premiere for this movie.” Kaidan sighed and handed back the rifle, “And I was there with my then boyfriend.” He smiled awkwardly in the dark, “Apparently that offended Mr. Khan and yeah, that's the story.”

There was silent for a long while, until John finally asked with a tiny voice, “What the hell did you guys do? Parade naked about with poodles and feather boas?”

“Lee called me honey as he gave me my soda.” Kaidan said sadly, but then cracked a smile, “Admitted then he was flaming outrageous, but no feather boa that day.”

“So he fired you for being gay?” John asked cautiously.

“Yeah.” Kaidan said, “He was just an old idiot, and now it doesn't matter – none of it.” He smiled hesitantly, not sure what John's thoughts on this were.

“What an idiot.” John said, and Kaidan let out a breath he wasn't aware he had been holding. “His loss.”

“Thank you.” Kaidan said before he could stop himself.

“What for?” John asked honestly surprised.

“Ehm... for not, you know, freaking out.” Kaidan scratched the palm of his hand idly.

“Why would I freak out?” John smiled and chuckled merrily,

Kaidan actually blushed, just glad that the darkness would hide it. “Yeah, you're right, that was stupid.” He turned in his seat to climb down from the wall. “Let me know if you want me to take over your shift, any time soon.”

John turned to say something, but Kaidan was already gone inside the house.

-*-

Kaidan found himself politely avoiding John for the next couple of days, wondering if he should call for James over the ham radio, asking him to come back. And do what exactly? Yell at him for being a fucking idiot? Getting all flustered and awkward over some guy, who had absolutely no interest in him? And really what the hell was a matter with him? Why couldn't he just enjoy that John was fit, and leave it at that? Why did he have to go all squiggly, and knot up? He had to stop acting like a fucking teenager and man up. He should stop sulking about, and pull his weight. He sighed and searched through the cupboards, but the food was seriously scarce. Of course it is, he told himself, they had not dared a scavenging run since Ashley and James had left. Kaidan closed the cupboard and stood for a moment and looked out at the sunny autumn day outside. John and Joker were yelling at each other over something, Kaidan figured it was just their nerves getting the better of them. And he could hear John argue that they should go find the others, he had a pretty good idea of where they went.

“Hey, Samantha.” Kaidan said, not looking at the mute woman, “I'm gonna go to the old Caliente farm, I think I remember there was some stuff left, and it's not that far. Besides it's been a while since we saw something like a horde. Those single zeds I can take out, no problem.”

Samantha let out a muffled sound and shoved her writing pad at Kaidan. He turned and read, 'too dangerous'. He nodded at her, “Well it's that or starve, and I don't want to leave this place without anyone to defend it.” He turned around and walked over to their cache of makeshift weapons, and other necessary stuff. He took a bat and a couple of crackers, and a backpack. He zipped up his jacket and put on his knitted hat, turning to Samantha, he held a finger up against her lips. “Not a word until I am clear of this place, okay? Give me twenty minutes.” He kissed her cheek, making a mental note of how badly he wished there was toothpaste at the Caliente farm. He snuck out the front door, and hopped the stone wall to the surrounding fields, steadily jogging towards an abandoned harvester in the horizon.

It was not until Joker and John graduated to a pushing match that Samantha got up. She took her pad and wrote something down with ferocious swiftness. She stalked straight up to John and tried to push the pad in his face, but he gently pushed her away, focused on discussing with Joker. Samantha huffed annoyed and went inside again.

-*-

Kaidan was feeling real good as he saw the Caliente farm in the distance, He had to be real quick about it if he wanted to finish before it was too dark to see anything. He didn't mind tracking back in the dark, but it did make it hard to search.

-*-

John was so angry when he walked back into the house that he didn't even acknowledge Samantha who tried to push the notepad in his face again. In the end she tossed a cup at him, it splintered against the wall, making John turn around, more surprised and worried than angry. He had never seen Samantha act like that. She pushed her notepad at him again. It read 'Kai left alone'.

“What?” John gasped, “Kaidan left on his own?” He turned around to scan the house, in case she was wrong. “When?”

Samantha scribbled fast on her notepad and shoved it at John again, it read '4 h, Caliente'.

“Are you telling me that he left four hours ago for the Caliente farm? That is too far away... fuck, fuck... oh man... Why would he do something that stupid?” John raked a hand through his dirty, sweaty hair in frustration.

'food'. Samantha scribbled.

“And he's right.” John sighed, “Oh shit, and we were out there acting like kids.” He bit his lip, thinking. “He ought to be back in about an hour.” He fiddled with his shirt hem, not sure what to do.

'Go.' Samantha wrote.

“Yeah but what about you, and Joker?” John whined, “What if...”

Samantha pushed her last message in his face again. And John winced, but turned and started to fill a backpack with what he thought he might need. “I am going to fucking murder that idiot, if the zeds haven't already.” He mumbled to himself.

Samantha got up and wrote something, shoving it in front of John. 'he wants 2 impress u' it said.

“What? Why?” John asked, completely baffled, “How do you know that?”

Samantha wrote something again, and showed it to John. 'he likes you'

“No he don't.” John grinned, “You're seeing ghosts, girl.”

Samantha raised a perfect arched brow, giving John her best unimpressed face. She then wrote under the last message. 'I have seen how you two look at each other.'

“What the fuck?” John frowned.

Samantha smiled wide and pointed to her eyes and over at John. And then she wrote 'mute, not stupid'

“Pfft, write some fan fiction or something.” John brushed her off and picked up a crowbar, “Joker!” He yelled, “I gotta run, can you hold it for a couple of hours?”

“Yeah... but why?” Joker said from the other side of the windows to the garden.

“Kaidan went to the Caliente farm, alone. I have to go check on him.” John said, feeling Samantha's eyes bore into his back. “He's been gone for too long.”

“Alright.” Joker said, “Be safe okay? And remember a walkie.”

“Yep.” John said, turning from the window, brushing past Samantha, annoyed. And slammed the front door as he left.

-*-

As John jogged across the dark field, dodging the dark figures roaming the open space aimlessly. His mind raced, what if Samantha wasn't full of shit? And why had he been so upset? Because she was kind of right? No! She wasn't right! Well he couldn't know about what Kaidan was thinking, but he wasn't into dudes.

That whole solo camping trip he had been on up here, had been about that. Well also about that, it had been about him trying to sort out his life. Ridding himself of his demons. Apparently those demons had come to bite his ass, both on a metaphysical sense, and in flesh.

When he told people he had dated a marine, they all assumed it was a woman, but he knew better. Tyler was the only man he had ever known in that sense, and their romance had been very short-lived. John was just never comfortable with it, he was jumping through hoops to keep it a secret. He even lied to his mother. That was no way to live, to only let loose a little behind closed doors, with the lights out, because all in all, the fact that Tyler wanted him made John so uncomfortable that he was ready to jump out his skin.

Looking back at this, Tyler had been right when he said John needed to sort out his shit, and figure out what he wanted. He also made it quite clear that he had no patience with someone who was closeted and insecure. Somehow that had struck a chord, and instead of dealing with it, John had buried it deeper, trying to get into a couple of chicks, but that had the same outcome, mostly because it never felt natural. So yeah, he had been up here contemplating, he knew what he wanted, he wanted to be normal. And he would get there, he had heard about people who had been “cured” - He just didn't know where to start. 'Straight as an arrow' He repeated in his head as a mantra. Only to have his subconscious reply with 'bend like a pretzel'. Why did he have to meet Kaidan? Why did his sweet smile have to crumble his resolve like this? Because the truth was that he had been stealing glances when he was sure that no one was looking. John blamed the apocalypse.

He was brutally ripped from his thoughts as the night exploded with fire. He started to run in earnest, only experience kept him from yelling out. He stopped in front of the Caliente farm and twirled around trying to find either Kaidan or zeds, but saw none. “Kaidan!” He yelled from the top of his lungs, “You here?”

“Hey!” Kaidan said wiping engine grease and dirt off across his forehead, He was smiling like a cat that had just been fed, leaning against the door of the barn. “I hit the motherfucking jackpot! Come see.” He turned and walked into the dark.

John fumed with anger, but stalked after him, grabbing his arm, shaking the slimmer man, “You fucking idiot! Do you have any idea how nervous I've been?”

Kaidan’s eyes widened, “No?”

“Asshole.” John pushed Kaidan away, and crossed his arms over his chest. “I thought you were hurt or dead, and here you are – playing mechanic. Why didn't you bring a walkie?”

“I forgot.” Kaidan shrugged.

John pulled out his walkie and pushed the talk button, “Base this is John – I found him, and he's okay.”

“Thank God!” Joker said in the other end, “When are you coming back?”

“Ehm... As soon as we get this damn truck to move. I suppose.” John said with a shrug, earning a shit eating grin from Kaidan. “John out.” He turned the radio off, and turned to Kaidan. “So what the hell are you up to?”

“So thing is that there's sacks of flour, and with that I could bake which would be great, no more stale bread.” He nodded towards the huge sacks of flour, “Don't tell me you couldn't eat fresh bread.”

“Like you can't imagine.” John agreed, “But won't you need yeast? I mean, is there some here?”

“The minimart down the highway has lots of that dry-yeast.” Kaidan stated, “So I thought I'd go there after I finished here. But first of all, we sorta need to get this motherfucker running.”

“There's that,” John sighed. “Is there anything I can do?”

“You could hold the light for me.” Kaidan said, handing John a flashlight, and bend in over the engine again, tinkering away as silently as he could. “So,” He started, “Were you really worried, or was that bullshit?”

“Yeah I was worried.” John said, “So were Samantha and Joker.”

“Okay.” Kaidan knew he shouldn't be disappointed, but he couldn't help it, of course it was the logical solution that John had come looking for him, Joker was in horrible shape, and was much happier tending to the house than running about in the thick of it. “Hmm... We need to test it. But I think it works now.”

“That will make a lot of noise.” John stated.

“Yeah.” Kaidan stretched and popped his back, “This place has a hayloft, and if we pull the ladder, they can't get up here. We just have to wait till they lose interest again.” He turned and smiled at John, “If the truck doesn't start that is, because if it does, we just jump in and go.”

“Sounds solid.” John said, checking his gun, “I got eight bullets.”

“Ready?”

“Ready.”

Kaidan turned the key and the engine churned and gave some loud bangs, but didn't start. “GO!” John yelled as the zombies who had been lurking around the main farmhouse and surrounding fields came towards the sound.

“But if I could just adjust this -” Kaidan argued. “I know exactly what -”

“No! Get to the hayloft!” John pushed Kaidan towards the stairs, “They'll be on us in a second. Do you wanna kill us both?”

“No... no...” Kaidan crawled up the ladder and it was none too soon, John literally threw himself on top of him pulling the ladder up with him.

“Shhh.” John whispered in Kaidan's ear

“Dude, you're heavy.” Kaidan breathed, mostly he just wanted John to get off him before he let himself entertain anymore idle daydreams. “Also I can't feel my arm.”

“Shut up!” John hissed in Kaidan's ear, “I have a ladder up my damn ass.” Much against better judgment Kaidan started to giggle. And it was contagious, and before he knew it, John giggled too. “No lie, man.” which only made Kaidan laugh harder, hiding his face in John's shoulder to muffle the sound.

Ten minutes later the giggles had died down and the zombies had given up on getting up in the hayloft, and would instead flocked to the hot engine of the truck. John carefully rolled off Kaidan, taking the ladder with him, letting it fall to his side.

“I swear my arm is dead.” Kaidan whined in a whisper, using his other arm to pick up his numb arm. Without thinking John took the limp arm and started to rub it, trying to get the blood flowing faster. When his fingers started to prickle he didn't say anything, he couldn't bring himself to make John stop.

“Better?” John asked, massaging Kaidan's hand.

“Yeah.” Kaidan mumbled, “Thanks.”

Still holding on to Kaidan's hand gently rubbing it, mimicking the massage he had given before. “So I’ve been thinking about something,” John let out a half pained, half amused laugh. “Shit – James, is he really your brother? You guys doesn't look anything alike, I mean...”

“Yeah.” Kaidan whispered back, his heart beating like crazy, why the hell was that brought up now? “Why would you..?”

“It's not like that.” John said, “It's just...”

“Yeah.” Kaidan said suddenly feeling hot and terribly awkward, and too aware of John's fingers still prodding his hand.

“So is he?” John asked, feeling stupid and vulnerable, not sure where this little green monster had come from. When Kaidan didn't answer, John took a deep breath, and whispered, “I really need to know.”

Kaidan stared intently at John in the darkness, “He's adopted.” And for a second he was slightly confused as to why John started laughing, until he realized that it was not an amused kind of laugh, it was more like liberated. “Well he is...” Kaidan mumbled self-conscious.

“Makes sense” John whispered, smiling. “You had me worried for a moment.”

Kaidan forgot to breathe for a second, his brain trying to figure out why John would even say that? Was it because he was testing him? Testing the thesis that all gay men were out to get all the straight ass they could get their grabby little hands on. “Is this a test?” He asked, feeling like an idiot for giving himself away like that.

“No.” John said puzzled, “Why the hell would it be a test?” He let go of Kaidan's hand, and popped up on an elbow and looked down at Kaidan in the sparse moonlight that was let into the hayloft.

Kaidan turned his head and looked at John. What did he have left to lose, worst case scenario, John would laugh at him. So he gingerly reached up and slipped his hand around to the back of John's head, surprised when he let himself be pulled down till their lips met, John's lips were soft and hesitant, and were pulled away far too early. Kaidan didn't complain, a tightlipped, timid kiss was more than he had ever imagined.

  
(Art by[ Georgia](http://georgialeflayart.tumblr.com/post/92809286564/so-heres-my-pictures-doodles-pieces-of-shit-for))

“You know.” John said, “You told me that story about your boss and all that, that night on the wall, remember?” He smiled sadly, “I came up here to think shit over, you know that. What I didn't tell anyone, was what I was thinking over. Well my life I suppose, I felt wrong, I felt outside myself somehow, like the instinctive side of me had always been attracted to guys... whatever you wanna call it. But my rational side wouldn't let me, I felt abnormal, a freak. I didn't feel like I fit in either place, and... I tried, I really did, both sides of the fence actually, I guess I wasn't emotionally ready or something, and just ended up sabotaging every single meaningful relationship I ever had – I can't explain it, it was mostly like I was trying to override myself. But neither nature nor rationality worked, it all came out forced. And so that was what I was doing here, thinking about that, wondering if I should bite a bullet and just make it all go away, or if I could find something worth living for, something that would stop all the stress and confusion. That one thing that would make me feel like me, make me feel at home.”

Kaidan looked up at John with a soft, empathic expression, “I'm sorry.” He whispered.

“Don't be.” John said, “When z-day hit, I thought my problem was solved because suddenly it was not about career, family and 'doing the right thing' anymore, but about survival, so my romantic pickle could sorta take a backburner ’till...” He took his time and finally after long minutes, continued. “Till I met you.”

“I thought you were against, uhm these things.” Kaidan said softly, inwardly kicking himself because that was not at all what he wanted to say, and he wished that he could just welcome what was happening, because it was what he had wanted, right? And still now that he was here, he felt more on edge than anything.

“I am.” John sighed, rolling over to his back, staring off into the broken ceiling of the hayloft. “I just wanted to... let you know I guess.”

“You're allowed to change your mind you know.” Kaidan whispered, hesitating for a moment before he placed a warm hand on John's which was resting on his stomach.

John smiled and let out an amused huff “Yeah.” he took a deep breath and sat up, brushing old decaying hay off his shirt, “We should get back to the house, Joker and Sam are all alone.”

“Yep... Joker and Sam. - truck. I get it.” Kaidan nodded, carefully leaning out over the side of the hayloft, looking down at the worn truck. “They seem to have lost interest.” he looked at John out of the corner of his eye, feeling a weird mixture of disappointment and relief.

John grabbed the ladder and gently set it down, “I'll go look.” He whispered, descending the steps.  
“Okay.” Kaidan whispered back, watching as John slid through the shadows, watching outside at the farms yard. Finally John turned around and waved Kaidan down.

“Give me a moment.” Kaidan pushed past John, and returned to the engine of the truck.

John leaned up against a broken metal table, forgotten or abandoned tools spread around, for a moment he wondered if someone might have gone through it in a panic, hoping to find something to defend themselves with. “Kaidan?” He said softly, but it sounded almost as if he was yelling because of the silence.

“Yeah?” Kaidan looked up from the engine.

“Do you ever wonder if this is it? I mean -”

“If it's gonna be like this always?” Kaidan asked.

John nodded pensive, “Or till the zeds finished us all.”

“Not really no, I've been too busy surviving.” Kaidan said, returning his focus to the engine. He knew it was a lie, he had had way too much time to think between supply runs, and found himself missing the most mundane of things, like taking a bus or doing the laundry.

“Right.” John nodded in the darkness.

-*-

On a morning like this you could almost fool yourself into thinking that nothing was wrong, the orange leaves on the trees silently signaled the end of summer, birds were still chirping and the sky was blue with a hint of the orange-pink hues of sunrise. Kaidan stood staring out the window, and replayed the hayloft scenario over and over again, he couldn't make sense of it. His instinct told him something was off, but he couldn't quite figure out what it was. The important thing was that he knew that John felt it too, and that they were still friends.

“Something smells good.” James said shaking Kaidan from his daydreaming.

“Jimmy!” Kaidan laughed relieved, pulling his brother in for a hard embrace. “Shit man it's good to see you.”

“You too!” James squeezed before he let go of Kaidan. “Baking huh? Who are you trying to impress?”

“Your girlfriend.” Kaidan shot back.

“Not happening.” James laughed and sat jumped up to sit on the kitchen counter, “She already went for the handsome brother.”

“Welcome back, James,” Joker said as he shuffled out into the kitchen.

“Thanks,” James said, watching Kaidan as he took the buns out of the oven. “Mom’s recipe?”

“Yeah.” Kaidan nodded, he was about to remind James that their mother had not made those buns in the better part of a decade, even as kids it had been Kaidan who had made them. So it was slightly unfair to call it 'mom’s recipe'. “Have you heard from Miranda?” Kaidan asked.

“No.” James sighed heavily, “And I'm not sure what to make of that. Either we are out of range, or they didn't make it.”

“We need to have a plan though.” Ashley said from the doorway, “I think we should think about relocating.”

“It's the same everywhere, Ashley,” Joker argued.

“Maybe,” Ashley said as she crossed the room to take a roll from Kaidan. She smelled it and smiled for a moment, “We don't know that, it could only be this valley, I vote we try and get in contact with James and Kaidan's friends.”

“And then what?” Kaidan asked.

“We figure that out depending on the outcome,” Ashley shrugged.

“That's hardly tactical,” Joker shot in from the dining table.

“Do you have a better idea?” Ashley sneered annoyed.

“We should relocate to a place that is easier to defend, and where we don't have to run so far for supplies.” John said softly from behind Joker.

“Oh?” Ashley quipped, “And what do you suggest oh great leader?”

“Don't.” Joker argued.

“There is a factory building with a tall ass fence down by town hall. It looks pretty easily defendable, and the shopping streets aren't far away, so we'd not have to move far for a while.” John said, crossing his arms.

“Well aren't there a lot more zeds, since it was a more densely populated area before... this?” James asked.

“But shorter runs means that we don't have to spread as thin.” John said, “Anyway, it was just an idea.” His eyes met Kaidan's for a split second and he smiled a little shyly, in complete contrast to his words or body language.

“It makes sense.” James nodded, “I am in favor of John's suggestion.” He held up his hand, and Kaidan slowly rose his too. They looked at the rest, Joker rose his hand as well, and Ashley sighed, “Alright, so how do you suppose we go about this, survival-boy?”

“We send someone to scope out the place. Find the best route.” John said with a shrug.

James nodded, and Kaidan felt mostly like hitting his brother over the head, he didn't have the first clue about tactics, he was just pretending to be clever.

“Alright so we have to prepare for that trip, so we'd need some gasoline and a car.” Ashley said, “I volunteer to find gasoline, I think there is some in that abandoned tractor, or maybe in the orchard shed if we're lucky.”

“I will find what we need to get the truck working.” Kaidan said, earning himself a dirty look from James.

“Great.” Joker said, “So I will go through inventory and see what we can do without.”

“I'll take the radio.” James said, “And you get wall duty.” he pointed at John who just nodded. “Meeting adjourned, now can we get back to the food?” James smile split in a wide grin.

“Abso-fucking-lutely.” Joker chimed in.

-*-

Kaidan inspected the aluminum bat, it looked like it still had some mileage left in it. “Hey.” John said right beside him, almost causing Kaidan to drop the bat. “Hey.” He replied lamely.

John grinned, “Take this.” He handed Kaidan a gun, “Just in case.”

“Thanks.” Kaidan said, taking the gun sticking it under his belt.

“Its got a full clip.” John said.

Kaidan nodded, closing his eyes blissfully as John tucked some wayward curls behind his ear. “Be careful.” John whispered.

“You almost sound like you care.” Kaidan said with a smile.

John huffed amused, “Maybe I do.” He caressed Kaidan's cheek swiftly before pulling his hand back. “I should get out on the wall, remember to bring something to drink when you leave.”

“I will.” Kaidan said as he slowly opened his eyes, watching as John walked through the living room and out the front door. His mind tried to process what just happened, he didn't imagine the caress did he? I just happened, right?

“All set?” James called from the room they had set up with the ham-radio and all their notes.

“Yep.” Kaidan called back. “Let’s test this thing then.” He turned on the radio that was secured to his belt with a clip. “Testing, testing.” He said down into the receiver. The walkie scratched horribly, and then James said “I hear you.” Through the speaker. “Works great!” Kaidan yelled through the house.

Kaidan walked out to the garden, and saw John sitting on the wall with the rifle in his lap. “Hey stranger.” Kaidan called, jumping up on the crate, which allowed him to climb the wall, sitting down next to John, dangling his legs out into the air.

“Hey there yourself.” John said bumping his shoulder softly against Kaidan. “You all set?”

“Yeah.” Kaidan said, “I am.” He paused, and looked out into the horizon, “Almost looks peaceful... Do you, do you think it's like this everywhere? I mean do you think the infection hit all over? Surely there has to be somewhere that the army or something has a secure area. I remember the radio used to say something about survivors and safe zones.”

John sighed, “It's everywhere. And my best bet is that every safe zone has been overrun just like the one where you and your brother stayed.” He idly ran his fingertips over the side of the rifle, “The more survivors there are in one place, the more zeds are gonna flock there for an easy meal ticket.”

“Makes sense.” Kaidan said with a low whisper, “We're doomed. Aren't we?”

Cautiously wrapping an arm around Kaidan's shoulders, John let Kaidan lean up against him. “The world just reset itself, that's all.”

“Yeah.” Kaidan mumbled, enjoying the feeling of John's arm around him, it made him feel oddly safe, even if his logic told him that he was being an idiot. Still it felt good, no denying that.

“Hey.” John said, making Kaidan look up, “Eyes on the ball, Kaidan.” John smiled, and squeezed Kaidan a bit closer.

Kaidan laughed a little, and untangled himself from John. “Better hop to it.” He said softly.

“Come back safe.”

“Always.” Kaidan replied with a cocky grin, as he leaned in and kissed John's temple before jumping down from the wall. “Later!” He waved at John still on top of the wall.

“Later.” John waved back. “And don't lose the gun!”

“I won't.” Kaidan answered, picking up the walkie, pushed the button and said 'moving out'.

“Check.” James replied.

Kaidan jogged through the trees and towards the junction where he had seen another truck, hoping that it would have some spare parts that was suitable for looting. He had not seen a lot of zeds, so maybe this whole 'we have to move' thing was overrated? It seemed peaceful, the air was crisp but still not really cold. If you squinted your eyes you could even tell yourself that the figures that moved about out on the fields were cows or the farmers hired hands. The silence was interrupted as Kaidan's radio let out a burst of static, and James voice was heard, “I saw you out on the wall... so John huh?”

“God James, now is not the time.” Kaidan rolled his eyes, stopping to catch his breath hoping that the sound of the radio didn't alert any zeds.

“No but it is.” James insisted in the other end. “Are you sure you know what you're doing... is he even... uhm you know...”

“He likes me, and that is enough for me.” Kaidan said, starting to walk towards the junction.

“Do you even know anything about him? Like his last name?” James argued.

“No, and it's not really important.” Kaidan said annoyed. “Look if you're just gonna be ridiculous, I am gonna take the batteries out of this thing.”

“Don't be stupid, I am just worried -”

“James, talk to you later.” Kaidan sneered, and turned the walkie off.


	4. Ashes! Ashes!

'If I make it back, I will kiss him', if I make it back... I will kiss him, ifimakeitbackiwillkisshim, If. I. Make. It... Kiss, make it, make it, make it goddammit!' Kaidan's thoughts repeated this as a mantra while he was running as fast as he could, He could see something massive in the dark and hoped to God it was the wall to the small farm. He had lost his bat and gun both. The trip had just been so eventless, peaceful and bordering on normal that he had stopped paying attention, he had been completely focused on the car and had not seen the weird squirming zed till it had let out a piecing scream that had paralyzed him, and also had alerted the otherwise docile zeds around and before Kaidan knew it, he was dodging hungry teeth and deadly limbs. He had clung to his rucksack as he blindly took it out over the side of the road.

And here he was running towards where he thought the farm might be, if he was wrong he was dead, and he knew that he might very well be completely turned around, he felt lightheaded and slightly dizzy, maybe he had hit his head harder than he thought, or maybe it was exhaustion. 'Make it back...’  
A gunshot whistled past his head, and at first he didn't even register it because he was completely focused on running. But now he heard someone yell, “He's coming in hot! Get out here!”

Kaidan let out a soundless laugh before he stumbled and fell to his knees, he scrambled and got up again.

John jumped reached for the crowbar on the platform before he jumped down to the side of the wall where Kaidan came running. The commotion brought more zeds, and John knew they had to be fast. He finally made it to Kaidan, and grabbed him pulling him close to his side, to aid him back to the house.

Kaidan stumbled again, and John pulled him to his feet, teeth clenched. “Come on man.” He groaned carrying all of Kaidan's weight.

“Almost made it.” Kaidan mumbled, his legs giving in under him as his body refused to move another inch.

“What are you talking about man? You made it.” John said struggling to get Kaidan to his feet again, and the zeds getting closer despite the others effort to shoot them before they got close to the walls.

Kaidan's head lulled a little and then he looked directly up at John. “I did?” he asked confused, halfway sure that it was his mind playing tricks on him. Because he had wanted John to come save him so bad.

“Yeah.” John smiled wide, “But we gotta go the last stretch to the gates before they get us.”

Kaidan wasn't sure if it was a dream or not, but he didn't care. With the last of his strength he wrapped his arms around John’s neck and kissed him, not shyly or swiftly. But a real kiss, which Kaidan had not really expected to be returned with the same force. But he could feel John's arm tighten around him as he deepened the kiss, and not even whoever yelled in the background could ruin the moment. Making him feel oddly alive but weightless at the same time.

John ended the kiss, but instead of addressing it, he hoisted Kaidan up on his hip and hurried towards the gates at the other side of the wall.

“Lost your gun.” Kaidan rambled, letting John haul him off to safety.

“Don't worry about it.” John answered, pulling them both through the gates, not waiting for Samantha to close them, he just continued inside with Kaidan.

“I fell.” Kaidan said feeling a little more coherent, but still a little sad when John sat him down in the couch and left to get water. “I hadn't seen how steep the drop was.”

“It's fine.” John said with a worried smile, “You're here. You made it.” placing a warm hand on Kaidan's cheek.

“Somehow I had imagined you giving me shit for losing my weapons.” Kaidan felt an insane giggle bubble up in his chest, he had been so scared, so sure that his last moment had arrived, but here he was, safe and John was looking at him like he was the most fragile, important thing in the world.

“I'll leave that to James.” John said scooting a little closer. “I'm just... You scared me man.”

“Sorry.” Kaidan mumbled, staring intently at John, trying to read his mood in every little expression as he spoke. John leaned in and while Kaidan wasn't really surprised by the kiss, the intensity took him slightly aback. It was toe-curling passion hidden in a simple gesture. They didn't break off till Joker coughed discreetly behind them.

John laughed, a little embarrassed, and to Kaidan's amusement he blushed slightly as he rose to his feet. “I should get back outside.” He mumbled as he walked straight for the front door to escape the awkwardness of the house.

“Are you fucking crazy?” James bellowed angrily as he pushed past John at the front door, aiming straight for Kaidan who sat on the sofa with a dirty glass of water in his hand. “You lose your weapons, almost gets killed, and bring what must be the biggest hoard in the world with you back here, and then you stop up in the middle to kiss that guy... in front of... well everyone! Kaidan where the hell is your head?” James strode angrily back and forth on the run down living room carpet.

“What worries you the most? The gun, the hoard or the guy?” Kaidan shot back but was too tired for his words to carry any real malice.

“All of them dammit!” James argued hotly. “Next time you go out, I go with you. Period.”

“No you don't,” Kaidan growled.

“Kaidan...”

“James...”

“Fuck this!” James stopped in front of Kaidan and crossed his arms over his chest. “You almost died, man.”

“But I didn't.” Kaidan argued, “Also got the car parts with me.” he pointed to the bag on the floor.

“Reckless.” James said with a sigh.

Kaidan slowly got up from the sofa, and shuffled past James towards the sleeping area. “And you better leave John the fuck alone.” Kaidan said as he made his way towards the cots.

“Like hell.” James turned around to look at his brother in the dark.

“Jimmy, give it a rest. It's none of your fucking business, alright?” Kaidan sighed as he laid down in a cot, and got comfortable.

James came over and stood in the door, blocking most the light from the living room. And with the windows all boarded up, enveloped Kaidan in complete darkness. “It is my business, Kaidan, it's everyone’s business, we depend on each other to survive.”

“Yeah.” Kaidan yawned. “Could we continue this tomorrow?”

Sighing James sat down at the foot of the cot pushing Kaidan's feet out of the way. “I'm your brother, it's my job to worry.”

“I know,” Kaidan said, giving his brother a tired smile. “But I'm a big boy. I totally got this.”

James chuckled for a second and then looked at Kaidan with worry written all over his face. “Look, do you even know if he's... uhm, like you. Seriously Kaidan, maybe it's just like prison syndrome, he can't get a woman, so he goes for someone else to grease his weasel.”

“Are you even listening to yourself?” Kaidan huffed amused.

“Well it's true!” James whispered with urgency.

“I had a boyfriend once, or rather I thought I had.” Kaidan said softly, “He promised me the world and then some, and I believed him because I wanted to. Later turned out that he was married, and just wanted something on the side.”

“Sorry.” James said.

“Don't be.” Kaidan said, “He was a fucking bastard, but my point is that just because I told you that I was gay just last month. Doesn't mean that it's news to me, and it doesn't mean that I haven't been around the block a couple of times.”

“Yeah, you got a point,” James sighed. “Still, just be careful okay? I worry.”

“Always.” Kaidan smiled.

James stood up and walked towards the door to the dimly lit living room, he turned in the doorway and looked at Kaidan who had already closed his eyes to sleep. “Hey, Kaidan?” He didn't wait for a reply, “Did mom know?”

“About what?” Kaidan slurred half asleep.

“You,” James insisted. “And the whole – you know – thing.”

Kaidan smiled to himself, half asleep. “No James, she didn't know about the ‘you know thing'.”

James nodded, “Alright, sleep tight.” He turned and walked into the living room, ignoring the odd way that Samantha looked at him.

_*_

John was sitting at the dining room table, everyone was sleeping except Ashley who was on lookout, and John figured that he might as well clean the rifles they had, just in case. Mostly cause he couldn't sleep. All he wanted was to go in and slip down in Kaidan's cot and snuggle up. He couldn't remember last time he had fallen asleep next to a person he wanted to wake up with. He hadn't heard Samantha until she pulled out a chair at the table, making what sounded like a horribly loud noise in the otherwise silent house. She placed her notebook on the table and scribbled something, and then shoving it across the table for John to read. 'I think you should leave', It said.

John looked up at Samantha, she looked angry. “Really now?” he whispered, “What brought this on?”

Samantha took the notebook back, and scribbled something, handing it back to John. It read 'I know your secret'.

Wetting his lips, John put the gun piece on the table, and looked directly at Samantha, “What secret would that be?”

Taking back the notebook she wrote something swift and pushed it back over the table, 'You're military, not a photographer. Liar.'

John paled a little, “How?” was all he could thing of saying.

Samantha wrote fast and angry, and pushed the book back to John, 'I saw your dog tags, Commander Shepard'.

“You little bitch, you went through my stuff.” John whispered angrily.

This time Samantha took her time writing in her notebook before she handed it back to John, sporting a little triumphant smile. 'Either leave or you tell the others, or I am going to tell James'.

John nodded in silent acceptance of the state of things, he read the note over two times before he pushed the notebook back to Sam. “You don't know me, Sam. I didn't mean to lie... Or well I did lie on purpose, but never to harm anyone. Seriously, what do you think would happen if they knew? They would either hold me responsible for this whole shit-storm, or demand answers that I don't have. I thought it was safer to just start over, become someone else.”

Sam seemed to think about it for a while, and then she wrote 'what about Kaidan?'

“I'll tell him” John said softly, “I'm just not ready yet.”

Samantha nodded, and some of the anger in her eyes seemed to soften up. '14 days' she wrote.

“Alright.” John said clearly not too keen on the idea, squirming slightly in his chair. “Where are my dog tags now?”

'Your tags are in your bag, I didn't take them.' Samantha wrote, before she silently got up and went into the living room.

“Fuck.” John muttered, this was just not how it was supposed to go down. Not at all. 14 days was no time at all, especially not when you had to drop a bomb like that. And suddenly John found himself wishing that all the kissing and caressing was just Kaidan being high on endorphins from his narrow escape. And suddenly he had no desire to go sneak in under Kaidan's blanket anymore.

-*-

The next day was spent waiting while Kaidan and Samantha were busy in the garage, trying to assess how long it would take to get the truck back in running order. John was sitting on the wall looking out over the forest with the orange trees, he had lost count of the months but he knew it had been spring when he had come here, so it must at least have been six months since the world went to shit. And soon it would be winter, and food would be harder to come by. It didn't really matter if the others wanted to move or not, because come winter and a blizzard, they would starve without the produce they had in the garden. Of course they could build a greenhouse, but John seriously doubted it would keep warm enough so you could grow stuff all year round. The soundest decision would be to move.

It was late before Samantha and Kaidan finished in the garage, and while Samantha went into the house, Kaidan came over to the ladder up against the wall and climbed up to the silent black figure sitting on top of it. “Hey.” Kaidan said softly. “Have you been here all day?”

“Yeah.” John said with a polite nod. “Didn't feel like going on a scavenger hunt with James.”

Kaidan scooted a little closer, “Let me guess, he left with Ashley.”

“Yeah, and who can really blame him?” John said, and before Kaidan could interrupt him he added, “I know what I said about romance and survivor groups, and I still stand by that – but just maybe it doesn't always end badly.”

“I never thanked you for saving me yesterday.” Kaidan said, “And I'm sorry about the gun.”

John chuckled drily, “You thanked me plenty, and you already apologized about the gun.”

“I guess what I'm trying to say is, uhm... did you mean that kiss?” Kaidan asked, but when John didn't answer right off the bat, Kaidan's voice fell as he added, “I just really need to know.”

“It doesn't matter if I meant it or not.” John finally say, “This,” he turned to look at Kaidan quickly before he turned back to scout out over the dark forest, “-Us... It's just a luxury that we can't afford.”

“And why not?” Kaidan asked, “Maybe now is exactly the time to get all the luxury you can. 'Cause there ain't a whole lot of good things left in the world.”

“Because it complicates things,” John said hesitantly, like he didn't believe his own words.

“It does.” Kaidan admitted, “But there are also benefits to that complication.”

John laughed softly, “Benefits huh? Is that what they call it now-a-days?”

“Look.” Kaidan said, placing a hand on each side of John's head, forcing him to look Kaidan straight in the eyes. “I am done waiting, pining, beating myself up over not saying it while I can. Bottom line John, is that I want you and I'm pretty sure that you want me too. And we are here, free and alive – give me one good reason why we should not just do what we really want.”

“Because it's dangerous?” John whispered.

“More dangerous than the fucking walking dead mutants out there?” Kaidan asked nodding out in the dark.

“Maybe?” John said with a tiny sigh. “Yes, yes it is.” He mumbled and freed himself from Kaidan's hold. “Look the only reason we're alive is because we're smarter than those corpses, because we stay on top.” He licked his lips and looked at Kaidan for a split second before he turned away, “What if we let that control slip? Everyone would -”

Kaidan sighed, “You're afraid, is that it? Look I understand, but-”

“That's not it.” John argued, but then nodded... “Yeah maybe I am. Maybe I am scared that if I have someone else that I care for then it would cloud my judgment. And we could all end up dead, and I don't want that.” He looked at Kaidan with a silent plea in his eyes.

“I'm not gonna die, and if I do it's because of stupid shit I do on my own account.” Kaidan said soothingly.

“When you came running through the forest with that giant fucking horde at your heels, I didn't even think, I just jumped down to get you. That was fucking dumb, I could have gotten us both killed – And that is...”

“Human,” Kaidan finished.

“I guess.” John agreed, and then fell silent. For a long while they both just sat on the wall in silence, waiting for the other to do or say something.

“Look.” Kaidan finally said, fiddling with the hem of his shirt nervously. “I'm sorry, but I couldn't let this go before I was absolutely sure. But I understand, thanks for your honesty John.” Kaidan gingerly touched John's shoulder feeling the other man tense up under the touch. “See you in the morning, we'd better get that truck ready to make the trip all the way to town and back again.” He said with a fake smile while swinging his legs up over the ledge to drop down inside the garden.

“Wait!” John grabbed Kaidan's arm. “Wait, you're right.” He smiled a little unsure, shy smile at Kaidan who just looked somewhere between hopeful and confused. “I do want to be with you, it's just - “John sighed, “But really it seems unfair that you pay the price for past mistakes I made. And this is the end of all things, so why shouldn't we -”

Kaidan smiled, not really surprised that John was horrible at expressing feelings, it was actually bordering to amusing to watch John sit there and squirm on the top of the wall, forcing out the words, trying to tell Kaidan that if life wasn't really worth living, then what was the point of being alive. “Hey, wanna see the progress on the truck?” Kaidan said out of the blue.

“What?” John said, not catching on.

“Truck, garage, no one around.” Kaidan spelled out with a little grin, which spread as he saw it dawning on John what he had actually said.

John bit his lip knowing he was making a huge decision, this was why he ended up where he did, his absolute inability to make decisions on a personal level. “Yeah,” He whispered, his lips tugged up in a little smile, “I'd like to see the truck.”

“Great.” Kaidan said slipping down from the wall, “Come on then.”

“But--” John looked around, not sure he should leave his guard post, since then there'd be no one looking out for the zeds.

“Honestly, when have you last seen any real action here?” Kaidan shrugged.

“You got a point.” John chuckled and then he too slipped down from the wall, and to his surprise Kaidan took his hand and guided him towards the garage.

Kaidan was surprised at how rough John's hands felt, but then again these last months had offered a lot of manual labor. Once inside the garage, Kaidan pulled John close, “Sure?” He whispered, just to make absolutely sure he had not accidently pressured John into a situation that he didn't really want.

“Sure.” John whispered before kissing Kaidan again, God he would never get tired of those lips, the more he tasted them the more he wanted them. 

The frantic struggle to rid themselves of their clothes reminded Kaidan of something that belonged in a scene from his teens, but they just didn't have the luxury of taking it slow, and Kaidan wasn't sure he wanted to even if he could. All he wanted was to feel John against him, warm and welcoming.

Once John wrapped his arms around a naked Kaidan, feeling the soft, warm skin flush against him. He couldn't help but to think that he had had too many beautiful moments in his life all with the wrong people. "It's been a while." He whispered with an embarrassed smile, frantically moving his hands down Kaidan's back in an attempt to touch all the skin he found. 

“Yeah, for me too.” Kaidan chuckled a little breathless, guiding John none to gently against the front of the car, both were skinny and grimy, their hipbones ground against each other, and their sweat was oily and grey from the dust and dirt. But neither of them paid attention to details like this. Kaidan wished for a moment that they were back at his apartment in a large bed with clean sheets, the distant sound of the street below and the scents of autumn in the air. Takeaway and sex in the shower, always the considerate lover, always polite. 

John had no time for polite, and pulled Kaidan down to kiss him breathless, wrapping his legs around Kaidan's thighs, efficiently trapping Kaidan against him. John's breath stuttered as their erections rubbed against each other. 

Kaidan ended the kiss but didn't move, he just stopped for a moment, and looked down at John below him. He loved how John focused on him with those deep blue eyes, with what looked mostly like awe and pure lust. If Kaidan had ever been in doubt about if they were both equally into this, it was gone now. He rested on his elbows on the car hood at John's sides, pinning the other man down. Kaidan couldn't help but think that he spent so long creating the backdrop for something fantastic that just never really happened. Only to find it here on the hood of a broken down truck, his hands slipping on dirty sweat, getting lightheaded because he hadn't eaten all day. “You are -” Kaidan whispered, but John lifted up from the hood as much as he could to silence him with a sloppy kiss. 

Kaidan fumbled blindly after the can of grease he knew he had left somewhere on the truck’s left side above the headlight. John ended the kiss to look down, head tilted at an awkward angle to see what the hell Kaidan was doing, Kaidan turned his head to find where the damn can was, and quickly snatched it up. “Yeah well.” He mumbled, kissing the corner of John's mouth. 

John reached up and touched Kaidan's face with his fingers, wiping off the dust and sweat with his thumb, leaving a trail of clean looking skin in his fingers wake. “Go ahead.” He whispered, not sure why he felt like he had to confirm it. But again they never had gotten around to work out the logistics of this. John wasn't about to say that he had only ever tried it like this once, and he had hated it. This was just different, and Kaidan was amazingly tender in contrast to how frantic he had been when they had ripped their clothes off. Kaidan pushed off the hood of the car, exposing John's naked body to the light breeze in the garage, making him shiver and goose bumps formed across his torso. John studied Kaidan intently as he dipped his fingers in the grease, and for some reason John couldn't help but to wonder why this didn't bother him at all. Maybe because it was Kaidan, he wasn't sure. 

Kaidan smiled down at John and gently started to work him open, adding generous amounts of grease. He would have loved to have hours to do this, watching John as discomfort gave way to lust, and then continue to work him with his fingers till he had John whimpering, begging for more, begging for him to just fuck him down into the ground until they both lost their minds. But he had no such time, Kaidan knew it wouldn't be long until someone noticed that they were not where they were supposed to be. He hoped that lots and lots of grease would just have to make up for it. “Ready?” He whispered, kissing John again, grabbing John's sweaty hips pulling him down towards him.

“Yeah.” John mumbled hoarsely. 

Kaidan purred as John pushed up against him, wrapping his arms around Kaidan's neck to pull him down for another wet kiss. Kaidan pushed John's legs up till his knees were level with Kaidan's own shoulders. He slowly pushed inside, feeling as John's body accepted him just as slowly, pulling him in. 

John was surprised by the feeling, it was nothing like had thought it was, it was much more invasive, but less painful than he had thought. “You okay?” Kaidan asked breathlessly. John didn't answer but just reached up and caressed Kaidan's face, experimentally running a finger cross Kaidan's bottom lip. “Perfect.” John said softly watching intently as Kaidan opened his mouth and his tongue wrapped around John's thumb. 

It was amazing to see the change in John's features as Kaidan pulled out halfway and then buried himself to the hilt inside John's welcoming body. Kaidan could have laughed at the expression had he not had two of John's fingers in his mouth. So he did it again, this time grabbing John’s thighs to push his legs further up and apart. And again, then two shallow times which had the effect he had wanted. John's eyes fluttered shut and the dirtiest moan escaped his lips. God he loved that sound, and wanted to hear more, wanted to hear it till John had no more voice to give. 

“God.” John moaned, abandoning Kaidan's mouth with his fingers to grab a hold of Kaidan's neck roughly, pulling him down again for a kiss, tightening his grip on Kaidan as his weight rubbed John's cock between them. 

The both stopped dead when they heard the door to the house slam shut, and steps on the gravel outside. Kaidan couldn't help but to chuckle breathlessly against John's neck, biting the salty skin lightly, making John squirm under him. Kaidan kissed his way up John's jaw and hushed him with a whisper, placing a light hand over John's mouth. Silently Kaidan started to thrust sharp and shallow, biting his own lip to stay silent as he felt John shiver against him. The footsteps walked through the gravel again and then stopped. John arched up from the truck and his head fell back against the truck, his moan raw with pleasure muffled behind Kaidan's hand was all he needed. Fuck the backdrop, fuck being polite! John was real and he was right here. “Shit.” Kaidan grinned with a shaky whisper, he let go of John's mouth and grabbed John's hips to pull him further down the car hood. 

When Kaidan pulled out completely, John was just about to complain, but before he uttered a word, strong hands turned him around and he followed willingly. Kaidan grabbed his hips again and pulled him even further down until his feet were on the ground and only his arms and head were on the hood of the car. John had to bite down on his own arm as Kaidan pushed inside again, and this time the goose bumps were not from the cold wind, but from the promise of liquid fire just under his skin. John whimpered into his arm. Kaidan guided John's free hand down below him, and then let go again, tightening the grip on John's hips until he was sure it would leave a bruise, fucking him in earnest, the only sound in the room was flesh against flesh and their shallow breaths.

There was a knock on the garage door, John whimpered again, stroking his cock a little faster, his knees collapsing slightly as a sweet rush went through him, he wasn't sure if it was at the prospect of getting caught or what.

“Kaidan?” They heard Joker call from the outside. 

Kaidan grabbed John's shoulder with one hand and fucked him so hard that the truck rocked and creaked slightly. 

“Kaidan is that you in there?” Joker called again. 

John wasn't prepared for the ferocity of his orgasm as it hit him, it didn't announce itself slowly as it usually did, it just exploded, and he didn't know or care if he had managed to mask his pitiful moans, nor did he really notice when Kaidan came inside him other than he felt the thrusts go jerky and then stop. “Yeah.” Kaidan called back, panting, giggling down into John's shoulder.

“What are you doing in there at this hour?” Joker asked, grabbing the garage door handle. But found it barred. 

“Sleeping.” Kaidan said, grinning wider as he pinched one of John's nipples, oversensitive from his orgasm, making him squirm.

“Oh alright.” Joker said, and then started to walk back over the gravel. 

“Oh fuck.” John chuckled. 

“Yeah.” Kaidan started laughing, rubbing himself against John's back, “I wanna stay here forever, like this, inside you.” 

“Get off, asshole.” John sighed happily. 

Kaidan pulled out and leaned against the hood of the car, waiting for John to sit up as well. Kaidan bumped him playfully shoulder against shoulder. “Where have you been my entire life?” He asked with a smile, waiting for his heart rate to slow down to normal again, his body still humming from his climax.

“In the wrong place apparently.” John answered, turning his head to kiss Kaidan's shoulder. “God I could go for a beer about now.” 

Kaidan laughed in earnest, knowing exactly what John meant. He pushed off the car hood, and came to stand in front of John, holding a hand on each side of John's face, caressing the stubble on his chin. “You are amazing.” Kaidan said, feeing oddly exposed by his own words. But this was sort of serious, and he had to know where to go now, he had to be able to get a clear signal from John.

John placed a hand on each side of Kaidan's hip, “You're not so bad yourself.” He smiled a happy boyish smile which Kaidan had never seen before, for some reason it made him think of how John must have looked when he was in his late teens. 

Kaidan studied John's face, “I have to know -” 

“Unless you are up for seconds, then I suggest we go to bed.” John said, pulling Kaidan in for an embrace, leaning in so his forehead touched Kaidan's. “Mind if I bunk with you, handsome?” 

Kaidan smiled wide, he wasn't sure if it was because he was relieved or if he was happy, or both. 

That night they fell asleep on Kaidan's cot, tangled up in the itchy blanket and each other.

 

-*-

The next day Kaidan couldn't really focus, his thoughts kept returning to last night, the feel and sound of John, all the things he had wished it was. Maybe he was just lucky for once? It would make sense, because honestly he had had some rotten luck in the romance department the last couple of years. It figured a zombie apocalypse would be what it took. Kaidan couldn't help but to shake his head amused at his own thoughts. He could do with something going his way for once.

“Hey there stranger,” John called, as he hesitantly stepped into the garage. “Thought you could do with coffee.” He said, handing Kaidan a steaming hot cup. Their eyes met and John's smile widened, “Also, I wanted to see you.” He added shyly. 

Kaidan smiled back, “Thanks.” Turning, he put the cup down, and instead pulled John in against him. “Been thinking of you all day – done fuck all on the truck.” 

John grinned and kissed Kaidan softly. “Yeah, me too.” 

“Hey I have something to show you.” Kaidan said, swiftly kissing John before he pulled away and took his hand, dragging a puzzled John after him. Only letting go of the hand as he had to crawl the ladder to the roof of the garage. “Mi casa es su casa.” Kaidan said as he unceremoniously flopped down on an old mattress that was propped up against the rise of the roof. “What do you think?” 

John grinned, and turned around looking out over the fields in the midday sun, “I love it.” he said.

Kaidan patted the mattress next to him, inviting John to come sit. When John eased himself down with care, Kaidan placed a hand on John's thigh, “Did I hurt you?” 

“No.” John said with a weak smile, “Can't say the same for the truck.” He pulled the shirt up over his back showing Kaidan long angry scratches from the trucks hood. 

“Aw shit.” Kaidan ran a finger down along one of the angry welts, “I can clean and dress them later.” 

“Yeah that would be nice.” John said turning his head to look at Kaidan over his shoulder. “Wouldn't want to have to explain them to anyone else.” 

Kaidan smiled, pulling John down against his chest, wrapping his arms around John, pushing the shirt up in the front so his hands rested on exposed skin. “Think Joker suspected something?”

“I don't know.” John said blissfully, closing his eyes, just listening to Kaidan breathing and the birds chirping and the wind through the last leaves on the trees. “And I don't care.” They sat in a long time in comfortable silence, John knew he ought to confess to Kaidan, but he didn't want to ruin the moment, it was just so peaceful and perfect. Kaidan's warm hands on his stomach, holding him close. The last summer in the air. “Kaidan?” He finally said.

“Yeah?” Kaidan answered, opening his eyes on half, “what?” 

John turned in his arms, grinning as Kaidan's ice-cold belt buckle brushed against his stomach. “Hey. I'm going to build you a castle, just for us.” 

Kaidan grinned, kissing John. “Where did that come from?” He asked, wrapping his arms around John, pushing his hands down under the hem of the old jeans that John wore, cupping his butt. 

Gasping a little as Kaidan pulled him upwards, pushing his hands further down John's pants. He dipped down and licked a trail along Kaidan's jaw to his ear, “It's just a way of keeping you. Locking you up in my castle forever.” 

Laughing Kaidan turned his neck to expose more skin to John's exploring mouth. “This can be your castle if you want it.” 

“Too shabby.” John chuckled.

-*-

Two weeks passed by uneventfully, time took on a different form when you suddenly didn't live by a calendar or a clock, but the rise and fall of the sun, and the shifts in the weather. John had been so preoccupied with Kaidan that time had completely eluded him, he couldn't honestly recall a time where he had been happier, Kaidan was everything he had ever wanted, he was smart, compassionate, uncomplicated, sexy and honest. And like John had predicted he had lost all of his previous control, he hadn't even thought of the leaves of the trees falling more rapidly, signaling that they needed to get a move on with the truck. Or that Samantha had given him an ultimatum. All that was of no importance in his happy-bubble, where only peace and Kaidan existed.

This morning instead of the usual menial chores, James had called for a group meeting. He seemed agitated, but it could be any number of things that set James off. He had seemed awfully on edge lately. John sat down and waited, noticing Kaidan looking at him out through the corner of his eye. And then finally James spoke. “Alright everyone is here.” He said. “Kaidan we need a progress report on the truck.”

“I can have it finished today.” Kaidan said with a nod.

“Great, do that.” James said, and then turned to John. “I have been debating with myself how to deal with you.”

“Whoa!” Joker said, “What's with the hostility?”

James held up Samantha's notebook, “This is.” He turned to John again, “You know what this is right?”

“Yeah.” John said, thousands of scenarios flashed through his head, and thousands of different solutions. None of them good.

“I think you should leave,” James read out loud, “I know your secret,” He looked up at John, “You're military, not photographer. Liar.”

John paled, he recalled that conversation – had it really been so long? He had wanted to tell Kaidan, he had wanted to tell them all. He had run out of time – forgotten.

“What?” Joker yelled out, “Military, are you shitting me?”

“There's more.” James said.

“I saw your dog tags, Commander Shepard.” James read, “Your tags are in your bag, I didn't take them.” James pulled out a chain with two dog tags on them, and tossed them on the table in front of John. “What do you have to say in your defense Commander Shepard?”

“I...” John swallowed thickly, and stared down at his dog tags on the table. “I didn't mean for this to happen.” Was all he could think of.

“Of course you didn't.” James said with a condescending tone.

“I promise I didn't lie to... “ John tried his hardest to fight the urge to look over at Kaidan, not sure he could bear his reaction. “Look I was scared okay? I have seen other groups torture soldiers to get answers to questions that those poor soldiers didn't know. Would you have trusted me? Let me come if you knew the truth?”

“You could have told us once you got to know us.” Ashley said. “Trust is a two way street, buddy.”

“I know!” John's voice pitched in the desperate, “And I had not wanted to tell you like this.”

“So were you deployed here?” Kaidan said with a small voice.

Finally John turned to look at Kaidan who looked like a broken man. John considered lying for a second, but there had just been too many lies already. “Yes I was.” He said.

“Ah okay.” Kaidan said, he looked at James, “If I'm gonna get that truck done today, I should get to work.” And with that he got up and left.

John just sat there and stared at his dog tags on the table in front of him, an odd tight feeling in his chest. This was all wrong! It wasn't like they thought! He hadn't slipped into civvies and masqueraded as one of them. He was one of them! “What are you gonna do?” He asked in a whisper, reaching for his dog tags, idly running his thumb over the embedded letters in the metal.

“Well.” James said, “You've been a great asset to this group, but the trust issues are just gonna be too hard to get past. So we're gonna let you pack up your stuff and leave.”

“Alright.” John said, knowing he was getting off much easier than many of the soldiers lynched by angry mobs, who needed someone to blame for their dead wives, husbands, children, mothers... whatever. He pulled the chain over his head, felt weird to wear the tags again, but on the same time oddly reassuring, like slipping into a different role. Becoming something else.

He slowly got up from the table, holding out his hand to Joker, “It was great that you let me stay.” He said shaking Jokers hand, and then just gave Ashley and Samantha a nod, “Ladies, take care.” James he just pushed past and went to get his backpack. Stopping in the door without turning around, he took a deep breath, “You're making a mistake.” 

“I can live with that.” James growled.

“I'm just gonna go say goodbye to Kaidan.” John said “Is that okay? Or are you gonna shoot me in the back?” He needed to go talk to Kaidan, even if a part of him didn't want to be confronted with whatever Kaidan would throw at him, then it was all that mattered, the rest of them could fall down dead and he wouldn't even blink. Sadly Kaidan had every right to feel betrayed.

“Of course you can.” Ashley said, cutting James off before he could answer.

Leaving the house John walked straight to the garage. “Kaidan?” He called, opening the door “I know you're here.”

“Fuck off.” Kaidan said bent over the truck, tinkering about in the engine.

“I will.” John said while adjusting his backpack, “I just wanted to say goodbye, I guess. And I'm sorry it had to be like this.”

“Those are fucking cheap words.” Kaidan yelled angrily, tossing the wrench he had been using at John. “You fucking asshole! Fuck!”

“Please.” John ducked from the flying tools, “The only thing I did was lie about my profession, the rest was true – We were real!”

“You know what? I actually allowed myself to believe that I was lucky this time, that we had something special!” Kaidan said bitterly, clenching his fists. 

“Baby...” John took a step closer to Kaidan, “Come with me.”

“What?! Are you crazy?” Kaidan yelled, tossing a screwdriver at John.

“She gave me 14 days to tell people, and I really wanted to – the moment was just never there, and suddenly I was out of time.” John said softly while bravely taking another step towards Kaidan. “What could I have said to make things right? And would it have made any difference?”

“I don't know.” Kaidan shrugged, “Maybe, maybe not. I just don't fucking know, alright.”

“Please don't send me away like this.” John said holding out a hand, the palm up. “We could find somewhere else, start over – we could...” 

Kaidan drew a long stuttering breath, but didn't take John's hand. “Just leave.” He said as evenly as he could, avoiding eye contact. 

John slowly let his hand fall to his side, like a useless lump of flesh. John nodded to himself. “I want you to know, it wasn't supposed to go like this. Shit.” He mumbled and ran a hand through his matted hair. 

“Of course it wasn't.” Kaidan yelled angrily, letting go of his frustration, and hammered his fist down into a workbench, “I thought you cared about me! I thought I gave you everything, and you repay me with lies! And then you have the fucking audacity to come here play remorseful with that kicked puppy look and promises of a future? Fuck you man, just fuck you! You are just like all the others! Fuck!” Kaidan turned away from John, trying to control his breathing, hating that he had lost his cool. 

“Kaidan.” John wet his lips, shuffling his feet on the spot, not really sure what to do, so he walked over to Kaidan and placed a hand on his shoulder, and hung his head, just waiting. “I love you.”

Kaidan ground his teeth and shut his eyes tight, but didn't turn around to look at John. “Don't touch me.” He hissed. 

“Sorry.” John said letting his hand fall from Kaidan's shoulder. “Be safe okay?” He took a deep breath, “I need you to be safe.” 

“Likewise.” Kaidan said drily listening to John hesitant footsteps, as he turned around and began to walk out of the garage. 

John saw the walkie on a shelf, out of the corner of his eye, and reached out snatching it as he left the garage. If Kaidan heard it he didn't try to stop him. John figured they had just said what there was to say. Maybe now Kaidan understood why he had said it was dangerous. It will always be dangerous when you lose yourself, give yourself up to someone else’s mercy. And that person will always walk away with a special piece of you, and some day you'd have no pieces left, and then what?

He looked up at Ashley in the wooden watchtower at the corner of the garden, he idly waved at her before he started to jog down the path towards the road.

~*~

Kaidan had kicked and screamed, cursed and cried. No one had dared to come into the garage all day, they had just left him alone to vent all his anger and sorrow out.

He had been exhausted when he finally rejoined the group, and quite frankly he was glad that they were all walking on eggshells around him, he didn't feel like talking to them either. He had been humiliated enough. He made it to his cot, but he just laid there and stared at the ceiling unable to rest. How the hell did things go downhill that fast? He had been right in not going with John hadn't he? Going with him would have been downright crazy, right? He had just seemed so upset and sincere, and Kaidan had to admit that he had hated to see John like that, sad smile and weary eyes, and a hopeful hand stretched out. It had all been wrong, he was supposed to be here right next to him in the dark, and not out there on his own. Kaidan opened his eyes and with a pounding heart sat up in his cot. They had sent him to his death, and for what? Because he hadn't admitted that he used to be a soldier. God he was so stupid, he had let the disappointment of being lied to get to him, and John had paid the price for all the other lovers who had been untruthful.

Kaidan got out of his cot, and tip toed across the cold floor to the radio room. He had seen John take the walkie, still not sure why he had done this, then maybe this had been what he had hoped for. Kaidan sat down at the large radio, hesitating for a moment before he clicked it on and whispered, “John?”

There was no answer, and he repeated himself, “John? You there?”

“Kaidan, what are you doing?” James asked, scratching his neck with a yawn.

“What we did was not right.”

“Kai-”

“I'm here.” The radio scratched and the words was hard to hear, but they were definitely there. Kaidan let out a breath of relief, at least he was still alive.

“Wh-” Kaidan stopped and wet his lips, “Where are you?”

“Inside.” John replied with a lot of static on the line.

“Are you safe?” Kaidan asked, ignoring James obvious outrage.

“For now yeah.” John whispered, “And you?”

“I'm good.” Kaidan said, “Why did you take the radio?” He knew it was stupid but he really had to know. Realizing it would make a world of difference for him.

“I'm going to town and scout out that factory for you, figured I'd owe you that.” John stated.

“You...” Kaidan looked up at James till his brother turned around and left the room. “You don't owe me anything.”

“Sure I do.” John answered. There was a long moment of static, and then John's voice was heard again, “Why aren't you sleeping?”

“I can't.” Kaidan answered truthfully.

“Me neither.” John admitted, and then the radio just went silent. Kaidan pushed the button, “John? John! Come in... John!” But there was no answer.

“Probably ran out of battery.” James said from the kitchen, the chair screeched against the ruined linoleum floor as James stood up and walked back to the radio where Kaidan sat. “What the hell are you doing? Why are you torturing yourself like this?”

“Because...” Kaidan, “Because I should have gone with him.” He stared up at his brother in defiance.

“Like fuck you should.” James crossed his arms over his chest. “He is lucky we just let him leave.”

“For what James, huh? For wanting to start over?” Kaidan got out of the chair in front of the radio and walked over to James, knowing that his brother's main tactic was to intimidate people with his no-bullshit attitude. “We all did that when the world went down the shitter.”

“Maybe,” James stated, “But I have not lied to people who depend on me.”

“I have.” Kaidan said with a shrug. “I did not tell you about -”

“That's just different.” James said frowning.

“Oh really? How so?” Kaidan said, crossing his arms over his chest.

James smiled a little to himself, it was crazy how much Kaidan looked like their mother when he was angry. “Because it's hardly the homo plague, now is it.”

“God!” Kaidan pushed James square in the chest. “Fuck you, man.”

“I'm serious Kaidan.” James said rubbing the sore spot on his chest where Kaidan pushed him. “If he was stationed here, who knows how many civilians he redirected to their deaths, or how many women and children he shot?”

“You have seen one too many war movie, man.” Kaidan growled, “No one shoots the civilians in a sleepy little shit-town like this. I'm amazed that the army even had an outpost here.”

“Alright, so remember the army outpost? Remember how it seemed like they hoarded all the food and gasoline from miles around, while people outside were left to starve?” James stated with a nod, “The only reason shit went belly up there, was because a huge hoard came through and took them out.”

“Oh yeah?” Kaidan said, “Who knows if they had drops from headquarters, they could have come up that stuff elsewhere.”

“You just want to excuse it, don't you?” James said softly. “Kaidan, come on... It's me, James, your brother. I understand.”

Kaidan looked away from James, recalling the dead bodies strung up around camp when they had arrived, maybe James was right. But there was no way of knowing that John had been a part of that. Kaidan had a really hard time imagining that he had. “I'm going to bed.” Kaidan mumbled, pushing past James in the door frame.

-*-

John was shivering from the cold, he had not realized how late in the autumn it really was. Winter was in the air. He could hear the zeds outside shuffling around, and he could not afford to alert them, but he figured that he could search the closets of the farm's first floor tomorrow and see if there was some warmer clothes. He had not been crazy about going upstairs, because if they saw him, or sensed him or what it was they did, then he would be trapped. But he was so damn tired and cold that he saw no way around it. Slowly he made his way up the stairs, praying that they wouldn't creak or worse, break. Once upstairs he slowly made his way around to check for undead inhabitants and when he found none, he crawled up in the moldy, long abandoned bed and pulled the cover up. It was damp because the window was broken, but it was better than nothing.

Morning found John curled up in the corner of the bathroom, feeling less exposed there. He stayed silent for a long while listening for zeds inside, but he didn't hear any of them close by, so he left the bathroom and went to what he thought would be the master bedroom, he saw a figure to his left and turned to face the threat, only realize it had been a large chunk of mirror still left in a closet. The threat had been his own mirror image. “Get your shit together, man.” John whispered to himself. Morbidly curious he walked up to the mirror, he hardly recognized himself, his hair was matted and needed a cut badly, and his beard was too long for his liking. The sullen face that looked back at him was a far cry from the clean-cut military man he had been when this all started. Even his eyes looked tired, and since when had he been this grey? He gingerly touched his hair. Looked like he had aged ten years in the last years.

Opening the closet door he roamed around in the clothes, he found a green hooded shirt which was probably too small, and clearly a woman’s size, but it was the best he could do. There was a vest too but his own was better. He closed the closet and half expected someone to be behind him once the mirror came back in his line of sight. But it was still just the depressing sight of himself. He shrugged off his vest and pulled on the hoodie, it had a faint smell of mothballs, and what he thought might be detergent. It was a strange scent in a world of stink. It was a tight fit, but it worked. So he pulled his vest back on. Much better than bare arms. He debated with himself if he should bring the blanket or if it would be too heavy. In the end he decided to leave it.

One thing he would never really get used to was seeing children’s rooms. Standing there looking at a dark blue painted bunk bed, he wondered why he had never seen a single child zed. Maybe the Proteus-strain killed the children right off the bat. That had to be it! The parents would have buried their children before them... before the Proteus did what it did, and they had no thought of kinship anymore. He shook his head almost to shake out all the bad thoughts, and started to search through the kid’s toys, he found a red marker that he put in his pocket, and then he found what he had been looking for. A battery driven car, maybe the batteries were still good? He would just have to try his luck.


	5. We all fall down

“Kaidan? Joker? Base - Come in,” John's voice scratched in the loudspeaker in the radio room.

“Joker here. Is that you John?” Joker asked slightly confused as to why John would even contact them.

“Yeah it's me.” John said, “I uhm... I come by a gas station out on the 345, and it looks like some survivors had set up a place here. They... uhm, they don't need their stuff anymore, so I thought I'd let you know in case you drove past here. There's canned food, lamp oil, soap, blankets, gasoline – you name it.”

“Thank you.” Joker said, “You didn't have to do that.”

“I know.” John answered sourly, sucking in his breath as a loud bang was heard in the background. “Make no mistake Joker, I am not doing it for any of you motherfuckers, I am doing it for Kaidan.” And then the radio went silent again.

That evening when they were all gathered, Joker cleared his throat with a cough. “John contacted me via the radio today.” He said, the room went silent and everyone stared at Joker. “He said he had found a settlement that was abandoned down by the gas station on the 345, they had canned food, gasoline, lamp oil and loads of stuff. I was just thinking it might be worth checking out.”

James nodded, “Yeah.”

Ashley looked around on the others, “Why would he radio us?”

“He...” Kaidan poked his gruel with his spoon, “He is on his way to the factory.”

“Why the fuck would he do that?” Ashley asked, staring at Kaidan, waiting for an answer.

“Penance I guess.” Kaidan shrugged.

“Who cares why he does it?” James cut in, “He is doing us a great favor. We have all the benefits and none of the danger to the group.”

“James, for fucks sake!” Kaidan exclaimed in horror. “I can't believe you said that.”

“Well it's true.” James said shoveling in a mouthful of gruel, wincing as it hit his taste buds. It tasted like wet newspaper.

“I vote we go right now.” Ashley said. “We are running low on everything, and if the mission to the factory is put off, and we're waiting for Johnny-boy to jog across the county, then I say we should just go get what's down on that gas station.”

“Yeah?” James said looking Ashley square in the eyes, “What if he's still there, and wants to come back with us? Have you thought about that? It could all be a ruse to get us to come down there and take him back.”

“Listen to yourself.” Ashley said getting up from her chair. “You're fucking paranoid. Kaidan is right! He didn’t do anything to earn that level of mistrust and shit from your side.” She turned to Samantha, “Show them your notebook.”

Samantha pulled the notebook out, and flipped through it till she found the conversation she had had with John, and handed it to Kaidan. Kaidan looked puzzled up at Ashley and then looked at the words on the page, 'what about Kaidan?' - “What about me?” He asked Samantha, “What was it about me?”

Samantha took the book back and scribbled, 'He wasn't ready to tell you, waiting for the right moment'.

“But he was gonna?” Kaidan asked hopefully.

Sam wrote. 'I don't know, but I think so.'

Kaidan fumed with anger, “This was kinda important information, James. Why the fuck did you leave it out?” He turned to his brother.

“Cause I knew you'd react like this, and lose focus of what was important.” James stated. “It doesn't matter if he was eventually going to tell you something. The point was he betrayed the group from the get-go.”

“Fuck you.” Kaidan stood up so hard the chair fell over. “Come on Ashley, let’s go get the stuff, and John if he's there.”

“Ashley?” James said looking over at his girlfriend, who just ignored him and walked after Kaidan towards the front door. “You are not doing this!”

“Oh yeah? And who's gonna stop us?” Ashley bit back. “You?”

“Maybe I will.” James argued, slamming a fist down into the table, so the bowls toppled over.

“What are you gonna do? Refuse to let us back in? Kick us out as well?” Ashley yelled.

“He's not gonna do anything, come on.” Kaidan said, and walked out into the night air.

-*-  
Ashley was visibly shaken when they sat in the car. Kaidan looked over at her with a sad smile, “He's just scared.” He said soothingly.

“Yeah.” Ashley smiled a little, “I know. He wants to build a life, and live up there like the merry farmer forever. But we all know that won't happen.”

“He had a hard time with all this.” Kaidan said, “I mean we all did, but he took it especially hard.”

“Sorry.” Ashley said so softly it was almost just a breath.

“For what?” Kaidan asked, eyes trained on the dark road. Headlights would just attract zeds. At least he didn't have to worry about traffic.

“For all that with John.” Ashley said, “You're right. And if we should oust John for running from his responsibility, then what about me? I was sworn to protect and serve. I didn't, I ran for the hills as soon as it all went to shit.”

“I'm sure you did what you could.” Kaidan said motherly.

“Thanks.” Ashley said, straightening up in the seat, “But maybe, so did John.”

Kaidan sucked in his breath and exhaled slowly, “I'm sure he did, he's a good man. I regret being so consumed by the fact that he had lied, that I didn't see the bigger picture. I should have gone with him like he asked.” He licked his lips, “I wish I had.”

Ashley nodded, “Maybe he's still at the gas station?”

“I don't think so.” Kaidan sighed.

They came up to the dark gas station and parked the car. They waited for a little while to see if they had alerted too many zeds, but there didn't seem to be any around. Kaidan and Ashley got out of the truck and went to the station. Kaidan opened the door, and couldn't help but to grin. “Ashley check this shit out!” He gestured out over the store. It was filled with stuff that someone clearly collected.

“I think one of the pumps still work.” Ashley called from the register. “Jack-fucking-pot!”

“Amen to that.” Kaidan grinned as he walked further into the store. “John? John are you here?” But he got no answer, when he got to the back wall, his flashlight cone ran over something written on the wall. He adjusted the light and read.

Kaidan, there is a huge zed in the garage, don't let it out!! - The answer to this, is at the dam. It was called operation Protean, find the proteus-strain reports. And you have the answers you need.  
Forgive me.  
Yours JS.

“Ashley! Ashley!” Kaidan called, alerting his companion to the writing on the wall. “What do you make of this?”

Ashley read through it a couple of times, “You could be right, that it's penance.”

“So what do you think Operation Protean is?” Kaidan asked.

“Well it's Greek I think.” Ashley said, “Look I'll write it down, and you start loading the truck.”

“Alright.” Kaidan nodded and turned to start boxing up the stuff they needed.

It was not till they were in the car again, driving back that Kaidan finally spoke, “So he knew what was going on.”

“Seems like it.” Ashley said, “But it doesn't mean he is responsible.”

“No, it doesn't.”

~*~

This time Kaidan was sitting at the radio with a cup of coffee, he pushed the button. “John?”

“Hey Kaidan.” John said in the other end. He sounded half asleep.

“Saw what you wrote at the gas station.” Kaidan said, “What's Operation Protean?”

John chuckled bitterly in the other end, until it turned into a dry cough. “A complex bio chemical weapon.” He finally answered, “Designed to attach to water molecules, so it would spread through the water reserve, even rain water, saliva...”

“Holy shit!” Kaidan whispered, “They poured that in our water reserve?”

“No.” John whispered sadly, “It got out by accident.” When Kaidan didn't say anything, John continued, “some egghead had infected his assistant because... because the project was about to close due to lack of government funding. They needed a break through or something. And so this asshole took it to the next level, he infected a human to test the vaccine. But luck would have it that a fire broke out elsewhere and everyone had to leave, he lost sight of his assistant.”

“How do you know that?” Kaidan asked with a small voice, not sure he wanted the answer.

“Because I was stationed there, as the highest ranking officer there, it was my responsibility to keep things running smooth.” John paused, “It was also on me when everything fucked up.”

Kaidan sighed, “Head of security or something?”

John ignored the question, there was a rustle of something Kaidan thought was fabric. “We looked for that little shit everywhere, but we didn't find him. How was we supposed to know he had stumbled down to the water and fell in? As he disintegrated, the strain was released in the water... and you know the rest.”

“So you ran?” Kaidan asked cautiously.

“I did.” John answered.

“Why?” Kaidan asked softly.

“I'll tell you that another day.” John said trying to avoid the question. “So did you get everything from the gas station?”

“Yes.” Kaidan bit his lip, “I, I had hoped you'd still be there so we could take you home.”

“Home.” John repeated in a whisper through the radio. “I'd like that. If it's with you.”

“Turn around.” Kaidan heard the pleading tone his own voice had taken, but he meant it, he wanted nothing more than for John to turn around and come home.

“Negative,” John said the sadness and the tiny smile evident through the loudspeakers. “I am going to that factory - for you.”

“But I don't want you to go!” Kaidan burst out. “I want you here, safe, with me.” Kaidan could hear John breathe heavily in the other end. “Are you alright?” He asked.

“Yeah.” John said, but something in his tone told Kaidan it was a lie.

“Where are you?” Kaidan asked, “I'll come pick you up! I don't care if I have to drive all the way to the city.”

“No! You need to stay put.” John said sounding angry, or maybe scared.

“I'm sorry for what they did, for what I did... but please John, you don't need to do this. You can come home.” Kaidan argued.

“I will build you that castle.” John whispered, “Just for us.”

“You mean in the factory?” Kaidan asked, not sure he liked the tone on John's voice.

“If you want it to be in the factory. Then yes.” John said softly.

“John? Truthfully. Are you hurt?” Kaidan asked, wondering why John sounded so out of breath.

“It's nothing.” John answered.

“But you are!” Kaidan said, leaning closer to the microphone as If that had an effect.

“It's nothing Kaidan, got caught on some wire fence.” John said.

“Please be alright.”

“I said I would build you a castle, right? Would I say that if I was bleeding out?” John said, the cheeriness so fake that Kaidan could hear it through the radio.

“Yeah you would.” Kaidan whispered.

John coughed again, “Well I'm not bleeding out, and I promise you that I'm okay.”  
Kaidan didn't know what to do, every fiber in his body wanted to know where John was so he could bring him home.

“I love you,” John stated on the other end. “Warned you, didn't I?”

“I -”

“Don't answer that.” John said urgently, “I like the thought of you loving me too.”

“But -”

John chucked. a little labored, “Whatever happens, you were totally worth it!”

“Don't talk like that, it sounds like you're saying goodbye.” Kaidan said desperation rising, oh how he wanted this to be a video link so he could see how wounded John really was.

Laughing, John answered “Not kicking the bucket just yet. There's some more mileage in this old boy yet.”

-*-

John stared at the talkie as he switched it off, staring offended at his bleeding hand, it had bled through the makeshift bandage. It wasn't a fatal wound, so it wasn't like he had lied to Kaidan, but it was pretty mangled, and hurt like a motherfucker, rendering his damn fingers numb and useless. He figured it must have cut some nerves or something. He had had to run for his life through the fields, and had misjudged the barbed wire on top of a fence. Which had ended with his hand getting caught, and torn with the weight of his own body. He needed to find some clean bandages and some painkillers tomorrow.

John sighed, even if he wanted to return, he would never make it back the same way, he was lucky to even make it here. And there was no way in hell he'd let Kaidan attempt to make his way through here, he needed to know Kaidan was okay. Once he was at the factory, Kaidan and his friends could get into a car and drive there. John closed his eyes and drifted off while entertaining the fantasy of Kaidan getting out of the orange truck, smiling and kissing.

-*-

Kaidan had not gone to bed, he had walked back and forth trying to figure out what to do. He didn't believe John one bit, he could hear that he was hurt. Hurt and alone in a world filled with death. “Shit...” Kaidan mumbled before he stopped pacing and went straight for the supply locker. He was gonna go get him, that was the only way. John had saved him and now it was his turn to save John.

“What are you doing?” Ashley asked from the shadows.

“I'm gonna go get him.” Kaidan said, “And that's final.”

“What's with the attitude?” Ashley asked, yawning.

“Sorry.” Kaidan mumbled, “It's just that I expected you to try and talk me out of it.”

“Not at all.” Ashley said, “As much as I want you to stay, I actually understand why you want to go.” She looked over her shoulder, “James might not see it that way though.”

“I know.” Kaidan sighed. “This is something I have to do.” He carefully put a half empty glass of painkillers and some other stuff in his backpack. “John was there for me when I needed him to be, but I wasn’t when he needed me to trust him.”

“You better get going, because James could wake any moment now.” Ashley whispered.

Kaidan pulled the back hat on and awkwardly hugged Ashley before he hurried out the door. This had to be the most stupid decision he had ever made! He adjusted the walkie on his hip, he would call John once he was well over the fields, but not before. Midday he told himself.

-*-

It was not even real morning before Kaidan's walkie made the loudest noise. “Kaidan?”

“James.” Kaidan said with a smile, it wasn't like he hadn't foreseen that, he slowed down to walking and looked out over the fields. John had a giant jump on him, he'd have to get something like a motorbike. Maybe that abandoned settlement had one? It was worth a try, since it was like 20 minutes away.

“What the hell are you doing?” James demanded, “You turn your ass around and come home.”

Kaidan could hear the fear in his brothers voice, and stopped walking, wondering what the hell to do. He didn't want to upset James, but he didn't want to leave John to his own demise either. “I have to do this James.”

“No you don't.” James argued. “You're letting your hormones cloud your judgment.”

“Hormones?” Kaidan said, frowning and started walking towards the gas station, away from the homestead. “Fuck you man.” He switched off the walkie, and started to jog down the highway, hormones! What the hell? Was that really what James thought this was about? Sex. He had thought that James would at least try to understand this, but apparently he had been wrong.

-*-

John was creeping along the side of the fields, hiding in bushes and shadows, hoping that none of the zeds would notice him, his whole hand was rendered useless and he would pretty much be in a lot of trouble if there was more than one zed at one time. And usually that was how it went, they came in twos and threes. “John do you hear me?” Someone called over the radio, John pushed the button whispering, “Who is this?”

“It's Joker.” Joker said.

John felt a flash of panic, “Is Kaidan alright?” He asked urgently.

“Honestly? I don't know.” Joker sighed.

“What? How can you not know?” John said more harshly than he had really intended.

“He sorta left. Looking for you.” Joker admitted with a meek voice, “What the hell did you tell him? I have James here tearing the place apart in anger, wanting to go bring Kaidan home, blaming you.”

“I didn't...” John said, he suddenly felt ill and had to sit down on a rock between the bushes. He took some deep breaths, “I specifically told him to stay put... I did... I told him to stay fucking put.”

“Well he didn't.” Joker said oddly flat, like he didn't really believe a word that John said. “Did you tell him where you were?”

“No.” John mumbled.

“We really need him to come back.” Joker finally said, “He has one of the radios, you should be able to reach him on an open transmission. I tried to get through to him many times, but I don't know if he just won't answer, or if his radio is down, or maybe if something worse happened.”

“Okay.” John said, “I'll see what I can do.” He killed the connection and sat there for a while just thinking. And came to the conclusion that Kaidan didn't know where he was, and in order to find him, he'd have to contact him. So if he waited for Kaidan to call him, it would probably be for the best. John picked up again, making it along the field, out in the horizon he could see the town, and what he believed was the church spire. So fucking close.

-*-

Kaidan had been right, there had been a motorbike at the gas station, and it hadn't even needed anything besides some juice and a wire-job. He supposed that not a lot of survivors had need of bikes, they needed cars, vans, and, trucks – anything that would carry loot and people. He pressed the two cords together and heard the engine come to life. He would make it to that damn factory, and he would be there to greet John when he got there. He knew from earlier that it would take roughly two to two and a half days to make it to the small town if you kept a good pace, which meant that John would almost be there. Kaidan heard the walkie scratch to life, but he ignored it as he heard Joker call for him. Fucking idiots the lot of them.

-*-

John was thankful that he had made it to the outskirts of the town without any more incidents. The sun was setting and he had still not heard from Kaidan, stopping at a park that looked flat out deserted by both dead and alive, he sat down and carefully peeled the bandage off his hand, it was throbbing and swollen. John had seen this before, the wound had gotten infected. Not with the Proteus-strain, but with good old bacteria. Grinding his teeth he pushed down on the wound and tried to empty it of the invading filth. But in the end he had to give up, and just sat panting, staring at the offending hand. He had to get some penicillin. He picked up the walkie and pushed the button, “Kaidan? Do you copy?” When there was no reply, Shepard pushed to his feet again and started to walk towards the town.

The closer he got, the more he doubted that he'd actually make it there, the concentration of zeds was crazy, like they were having a goddamn town festival. He stopped on a hilltop and stared down at the zeds below him, was this really on him? Did he do this? Did he cause the downfall of humanity? The general had thought so, but then again wasn't that what generals did? Take the glory when there was some to take, and when things went haywire, they blamed everyone else. If he was honest with himself, it had been his job to make sure there was no breech of protocol, and find that assistant. At that point they had thought he had taken off with important intel. Information that could damage the whole facility, state and military together. But he hadn't... For a moment John recalled him sitting on a hill much like this, looking out over a creek thinking that this was the most peaceful place he had ever seen, and that it was fitting for his end. Remembering a fishing trip in this creek ages ago when he was just a big kid, remembering it had been one of the most beautiful places he had ever seen. He had had no second thought, no real regrets other than wishing that he had had more time, time to live. A bullet to the brain would be kind, because he had seen what was coming and the world didn't stand a chance. So what had changed? Why had he not blown his brains out? To be honest he wasn't sure, he had been so ready, and then – then he had heard someone yell for help, and on pure instinct he had gotten up to see what was going on, and this guy had been trapped in a tree, with a couple of zeds on the ground trying to get to him. John had run down the hill and shot the zeds, saving the young man in the tree.

He clutched his dog tags like a talisman, he was no longer okay with leaving this world, if he left, he would leave Kaidan behind. Maybe that was why he had been so reluctant in the beginning? Knowing that having something, someone, to live for would mess it all up.

“John?” Came the whispered reply suddenly from his radio.

“Kaidan?” John whispered back, “Are you okay?”

“I'm good, but I had to hide in this loft of this old house, I had not anticipated a giant infection on my way. My bike was ruined, and I had to make a run for it.” Kaidan whispered, “But I think they gave up now. At least I can't hear them roaming about downstairs anymore.”

“I told you to stay put dammit!” John sneered, he looked over at the town limit, and then up back the way he had come. “Where are you?”

“Somewhere on the 75.” Kaidan answered.

“Great.” John sighed, “Hold on, keep the radio open - I'm coming back for you.”

“No!” Kaidan hissed angrily.

“What are you gonna do about it?” John chuckled breathlessly as he jogged down the field, hoping that the green fences between the fields would give him enough cover so he wouldn't attract unwanted attention.

“John, please don't.” Kaidan said, “I am telling you it's suicide.” He paused, “And what about the hotdogs and beer then?”

John stopped to catch his breath, leaning over his knees to take deep gulps of air.

“Guys?” Ashley's voice was suddenly heard through the radio, “James left, he's gonna come get you Kaidan.”

“Fuck.” Kaidan sighed. “Alright, there is cluster of houses by the general store on the 75, I am in the attic of the light blue house, the one with the large trees in front.”

“I'll be there before you know it.” John panted, picking up his pace.

-*-

It had been a while since John had heard Kaidan over the radio, he figured that he had fallen asleep. He had put so much distance behind him that he could see the 75 now, he just hoped that he'd get there before James. John was feeling light headed and oddly heavy at the same time, his hand was still throbbing painfully but he ignored it. Out of breath he stumbled, tripped and fell over some wire left by the fence, falling face down into the dirt. He laid still for a while just breathing, spitting dirt and saliva out on the ground. He felt so weak, and most of all he just wanted to stay there in the dirt, sleeping.

“John?” Kaidan's voice was soft through the walkie, but John could hear the worry.

John rolled over on his back with a groan, reaching for the radio. “Hey baby.” He smiled to himself and the starry sky above him.

“What happened?” Kaidan asked.

“I tripped.” John stated, “It's nothing.”

“Are you hurt?” Kaidan asked.

“No.” John said, feeling the lie slip off his lips like bile. He could feel his eyes burn, all he wanted to do was to just lay there and never get up. “I'm on my way.” He whispered, collecting all strength he had to turn around and scrabble to all four in an attempt to get up.

“Why are you lying to me?” Kaidan asked his voice shaking a little, which made Shepard smile while feeling like an asshole.

“Alright.” John groaned, getting to his feet, “I think my hand is fucked.” He started walking towards the little cluster of buildings he could see on the highway. “But it's nothing, really.”

“You don't sound like it's nothing.” Kaidan said.

“I'm sorry.” John mumbled, blinking focusing on the houses. “I see the general store. I am coming in from the east, across the fields.”

The radio rustled as Kaidan got up, John could hear floorboards creak as he moved, “I can't see you.” Kaidan whispered.

“Kaidan!” James yelled in the radio, “be ready, I'm coming in hot.”

John turned his head and saw a car screech down the highway, a giant zed chasing it. “Whoa! What the hell is that thing?” He blinked to make sure he wasn't imagining things.

“A mutated feral zed or something.” James growled, trying to keep the car on the road, but when the giant zed swatted it with an arm, it skidded out over the side and right towards John. The only thing John heard was Kaidan yelling “No!” In the radio as he had to make a jump for it, or be run down. James' trip ended against a tree on the field. John got up from the ground, his knees busted, and all his joints ached. Had it not been the goddamn apocalypse and shit like this didn't really matter, he would worry that whatever bacteria had gotten into his bloodstream and that was why he felt so weary. He stumbled towards the car, and forced the driver side door open, pulling an unconscious James from it... “Come on you motherfucker.” John huffed, his arms ached, and his legs threatened to give in, but he dragged James as fast as he could away from the car. “Kaidan, can you see that giant fucker?” John panted.

“Yes.” Kaidan said, “Are you okay? What about James? Is he...”

“James is fine.” John said, and for the first time hinting that he wasn't by avoiding to answer. “He's out cold.”

“I think that giant thing saw you, or smelled you... or whatever it is they do.” Kaidan whispered. He banged the window, “John, for fucks sake! Look up!”

His head felt heavy and weird, but he couldn't ignore Kaidan, he looked up, only to see that giant zed steering right towards him and James. John looked down at James on the ground, and took a quick decision. He aimed and shot the big zed straight in the face. He gasped, running as fast as he could, while shooting the zed a couple of times, luring it to change direction, so it lost interest in James, and focused on him.

“What the hell are you doing?” Kaidan yelled, “John!”

“Don't worry baby, I got this.” John managed to squeeze out while dodging the huge hulking thing. He just needed it to come close to the damn car. Being so focused on the big thing, he had not even heard Kaidan scream in the radio, he felt the sting from the zed behind him as it latched on to his shoulder, teeth breaking the skin. The pain was instant and piercing, he hardly recognized his own scream as tissue and sinew gave way. John twisted around violently and the zed let go but not before it tore a chunk out of his shoulder.

Kaidan became distant like static noise, and the next thing John knew he turned around only to be hit with the force of a truck, sending him several feet through the air. The impact with the uneven rocky field threatened to knock him straight out, but it didn't. For a moment John thought his body was broken, everything was white flaring pain. He smiled like a mad man when he could literally hear his drill sergeant from long ago yell, 'if you feel pain recruit, it means you're still alive'. “Sir!” John coughed, not surprised that it was an oddly wet sound. At least he still had his gun, the giant zed was so close to the damn car that John decided he'd take the shot. He couldn't get up, his legs simply refused to co-operate, laying on his side, he aimed at the car. His hand shook so bad he had to use his inflamed hand to steady his aim. If he didn't get the shot there'd be no second chance. The giant zed would crush him.

-*-

“John!” Kaidan banged the window, “John! John! Say something!” He could see a figure laying on the ground in the orange light of the fire, the giant zed was on fire, staggering off into the fields to die.

“John?” Kaidan asked once more. “I’m sorry, I should never have come here, it's all my fault. Shit, I'm coming down there.” Kaidan turned around and walked towards the trap door in the attic.

“Don't.” Came the whispered reply.

“John!” Kaidan almost yelled into the radio. “God, you're still alive!” He felt so relieved, that it was almost visible, when some of the tension left his body.

“Yeah.” John whispered labored. “I... Kaidan, I have to break my promise.”

“What do you mean?” Kaidan asked, licking his lips nervously he could taste the stale air in the attic, dust being stirred and settling every time he took a breath.

“The castle” John slurred.

“What?” Kaidan paled, “No! Don't say that... That does it! I'm coming down!”

“Please don't.” John said sounding flat and hollow. “Kaidan... tell me about your perfect morning.”

Kaidan sucked in his breath, “Don't do this to me,” He begged. He felt tears fill his eyes.

“I like to think that we woke up in a real bed.” John whispered weakly, “Sheets that smell of detergent, and you, us. It's too early to get up, and so I pull you close and we make love, slowly because we have all the time in the world. If I close my eyes I can almost feel the mattress under me, and your arms around me, your lips against my neck.”

“Not a care in the world.” Kaidan echoed, closing his eyes imagining them in a large white bed, early morning sun through the windows.

“Mmm...” John hummed in a low key, “I like this morning, the best morning. I want coffee, do you want coffee?”

“Yes.” Kaidan just sighed. “Real milk.”

“It is yours,” John mumbled, “Let's go outside in the sun, sit in the grass and soak up the sun.”

“Naked?” Kaidan asked, seeing them going out a large French glass door to the outside, naked holding each their coffee mug.

“Mmm, yeah. I will never get enough of you naked.” John breathed softly, “You are beautiful, maybe we should stay in all day?”

Kaidan smiled in the dark of the attic to no one. “I like that idea.” he whispered.

“I want to stay here forever.” John said, sounding a little more strained, but still soft and soothing, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Kaidan whispered, and in his mind’s eye saw John sit next to him, naked, perfect and inviting. John took a couple of short panicked breaths in the radio, and whimpered. The gunshot was like a nuclear bomb in Kaidan's head, blasting away his white soft fantasy of them fit and healthy sitting in the grass drinking coffee, and leaving only ashes in its wake. Kaidan screwed his eyes shot, and then opened them wide. “NO!” He screamed, “No! God No!”

“Kaidan.” He heard a muddled voice he recognized to be James. He ran to the window of the attic, and looked out over the field. The car was burned out, and only embers was left in the dead corn stalks around it. He could see a flashlight dance across the field. He waited breathless when the flashlight came across the figure laying on the ground. Kaidan couldn't see much, but he could see the figure wasn't moving. “He is dead. I'm sorry.”

“No... no... No, no, no..” Kaidan shook his head, “He can't be! We were supposed to -”

“Brother.” James said softly, soothingly. “I know.”

“No you don't know!” Kaidan argued angrily, fighting his panic, “I don't believe you! I have to see him.”

“You don't want that.” James said, the cone still on the still figure. “I can tell you that he is missing his right shoulder, looks like something tore that off, and -” James took a deep breath, “He's pretty mangled Kaidan.. You don't wanna see him.”

Kaidan let out a strangled sob, “This wasn't how it was supposed to go.” He mumbled trying to steady his breathing not to completely loose it. “He was supposed to – we were supposed to...”

“I'm coming to get you.” James said sounding saddened, and finally the cone of light moved away from the figure on the ground.

Moments later the trap door was pulled down, and James crawled the stairs to the attic, finding his brother curled up in the corner crying. “Come on Kaidan, we gotta go.” He held out his hand towards his brother, but not moving from the top step of the ladder.

Kaidan shook his head, hiding his face between his knees. James sighed and crawled up into the dusty attic, and placed a hand on Kaidan's arm. It was promptly swatted away. “Hey Kaidan, I brought you this, figured you'd want it.” He held out John's gun and his dog tags.

Kaidan looked up to see what it was James had brought him, but his face just twisted in sorrow.

“Alright.” James said, pocketing both items, “I'll just hold on to them for later, okay?” He managed to get an arm around Kaidan, and pull him into an embrace. “If I could I would fix it, you know that.” He whispered.

“I know.” Kaidan choked up, and just clung to James.

“I realize you're upset, but Kaidan we seriously gotta go. It's just a question of time before all this commotion is gonna make a fuckton of them undead assholes coming around for the sensation.” James said, stroking Kaidan's filthy, dusty hair.

“Let them come.” Kaidan sobbed.

“You don't mean that.” James cooed, “Look you'll bounce back, you always do.” He stopped stroking Kaidan's hair and sighed, “You're gonna be okay.”

“No I'm not.” Kaidan tried to steady his short panicked huffs of air and take a decent breath. “Tell me something James, did you aim your car at him?”

“No!” James said, “Honestly Kaidan, It's not a secret I wasn't a fan of John. But I wouldn't run him down in a car. Not even for fucking my little brother and leaving him.”

“God! Jimmy... don't say shit like that!” Kaidan couldn't help but to giggle through his tears, feeling like he'd go crazy in the next minute. He couldn't figure out what he felt the most, relief over being saved, that James was okay, or sorrow for John.

In the end his own will to live won out, and Kaidan left the dusty attic with James, when he turned to go down to the field, James just stopped him and shook his head. “I'm sure he looks better in your memories.” He said, and gently guided Kaidan in the direction of the homestead.

 

  
(Art by [Georgia](http://georgialeflayart.tumblr.com/post/92809286564/so-heres-my-pictures-doodles-pieces-of-shit-for))

 

**EPILOGUE;**

It took weeks for Kaidan to pick up the dog tags, and even longer to pick up John's gun. It was just a gun like any other gun. But it was the knowledge of what it had done, which made it toxic. The idea of the factory had been abandoned, and so now they just went on longer scavenger hunts, while trying to raise Miranda and the others who had gone to the big city up by the dam. Kaidan had just walked aimlessly about, trying to cook, trying to play scrabble with Samantha, but he felt mostly like he was missing something important. Like all that at the general store was for nothing, like John's death had been completely pointless. He had to make it count somehow. Had to make sense out of the madness.

Sometimes when he was laying in his cot, he could close his eyes and imagine that white room again, and John would be there, whole, clean, naked and smiling. He would be larger than life like that. Kaidan loved that special place in his head where John still lived, they didn't talk, but it was okay – they were there, in their castle. In the beginning, Kaidan had felt like someone was tightening a belt across his chest, like there was a tumor of sadness growing inside pushing everything else aside in its path. He would wake and find his pillow soaked from tears he didn't remember crying. But after a while it didn't make him sad anymore, he was just glad that he could still hide here, in his perfect word, repeating the perfect morning over and over.

It had been a bleak winter morning when they finally heard Miranda's voice in the radio. They had found a perfect spot in the south-east of the city, and other survivors had come join them, slowly they were rebuilding what had been lost before they had split, before Cortez died, before he had ever heard of John.

They had decided to pack up and go, Ashley had started showing and they all worried that something would go wrong on the trip, so the sooner the better. Kaidan had insisted they paid a visit to the small research facility by the dam where John had been stationed, he finally figured out how to make it all seem worthwhile. He would get those files, and maybe someone, someday could make sense of them. Way he figured it, if they could find out what the Proteus-strain was made of, they could pick it apart.

John would be the alpha and omega, he would have been an active part in the beginning, and he would be the reason there would be an end.


End file.
